Questions

All I can think about are the unanswered questions. 

Why didn't he speak up?

Why didn't he try to make things better?

What did I do wrong?

What could I have done better?

What exactly changed?

Why didn't he see a future with me?

Did my changing body make you stop loving me?

Would things have been different if I put more effort into my appearance?

Why wasn't I enough anymore?

Were you ever in love with me?

Why did I have to drag it out of you?

What the fuck was the last year of our lives together? 

Did you consider fixing things or just get stuck on one thing you didn't like about us?

Does he miss me?

Does he regret his decision?

Does he understand all the things that he took aware from me?

I thought that I tried to give you space to speak up, but nothing. You just withdrew and never let me know what you were thinking. This is so unfair to me. Now all I do is question our relationship, you, and then blame myself. Logic is gone. Heartbreak and sadness are the only things left. 

I am missing so many things right now because of what you did. Calm, belonging, peace, love, friendship, family. I wish I could just be happy that the relationship happened and we had good times. But right now it is just awfully hard to think about those good times without feeling miserable. 

Why does no one loves me like I love them? Or feel as attached as I do? No one fights to keep me. Am I that boring, ugly, simple, difficult? What exactly is it that people don't want to stick around for? 

I might as well just be alone forever. 

Heavy

I woke up feeling very heavy. Physically and mentally. My head hurts and it was hard to get out of bed. But I had to so I can do work today. 

 Below is a post from my instagram about grief. The best word I can describe grief is heavy.

"Tears are the silent language of grief." - Voltaire

I feel like I have been grieving someone or something every single day for the last eight years when my life changed forever with chronic kidney disease diagnosis. Grief is not just about death. Although I have had to grieve the death of people extremely close to me, there is more to it than that. I have been forced to grieve the healthy life of a young adult, my body, children I might have wanted (doubt it), breakups that I never expected, hearing loss, life without health wearables/devices, rejection, and more. It is incredibly difficult to deal with just one of these things, but life just keeps throwing me curveballs that I do not have a choice in. 

A grateful attitude and outlook on life is what I am trying to work towards every single day now. I am forever grateful for my living kidney donor and the life that has brought. But that is not a cure and it has brought on other challenges that I deal with daily, like becoming diabetic. I am trying to remember daily gratitude and trying to understand that my grief around everything is valid. All I can do is try to heal my broken body, heart, and mind. 

My almost daily tears right now are valid. 

Late Night Thoughts

 This gets personal...

t's not that late at night, but I am sitting alone in my apartment rewatching True Blood. I created this blog years ago when my life fell apart with illness and heartbreak. Well here I am again, with a broken heart. It is so painful and so much to get over, even considering everything else I have gone through the last four years, five years, eight years. It really makes a person question what they did to deserve all of the hard things.

I was so happy with him. I thought I had found my forever person. I had thought this before with someone else, but this lasted so much longer and was so easy to just be with him. He said he loved me despite all of the things insanely wrong with my body. He helped me through dialysis, transplant, other health issues that came along, and both of my parents dying. I went through so many life altering events the last 4 years. More than anyone 1 person should have to handle in such a short fucking period. But he was there for me. He calmed me down just by being present in my life. He was fun and always made me laugh. 

I thought things had gotten a little boring last year because he was always so busy working. I thought it was only a lull or a slump. Turns out he had lost feelings for me but did not tell me or open up when I asked him anything. 

But again, I learn that communication is the key to relationships. You can try to communicate the best that you know how. That does not mean that they will communicate or be open with you. Sure I could have done more in the relationship but I did not know there were issues because the other person never ever voiced them.  I feel like I did my best as a partner that I knew how if the moments together with the knowledge that I had 

It is incredibly painful for so many reasons. I feel like an orphan now that both of my parents are gone and my sister is so far away. This is not to say that I do have family that loves me. I really do. But I felt like I became part of his family. His parents were always so welcoming and loving towards me. I had a great sense of belonging with his family. Now that is gone. 

I also lose the comfort, love, friendship that came from our relationship together. I would have done so much to keep him, but he did not feel the same way and neglected to tell me this. Thinking everything is fine and hearing "I love you" everyday, then hearing the doubts and questions that lingered in his mind for however long is like the biggest punch in the gut ever. 

It was like our five plus years together never meant as much to him as it did to me. Which is fucking typical for me. I care so much about things and people. So much more than they ever do about me. I read an instagram post that said being sensitive is not a bad thing. It sure fucking feels like a bad thing. 

I guess I will never know what really went through his head. There are so many questions that I would like answered, but do I really?

Looking back on the time we spent together, there are things I would change. He never complimented me, didn't seem to appreciate anything I did around the house, never encouraged me to be more or showed any of his emotions until our last hour together saying goodbye. It is not really his fault that he is so closed off with his emotions, but maybe you could make an effort with your partner. I was there for you and I would have helped you through things. I wanted to be with you. Apparently you did not care as much. That hurts.

Maybe I am just so boring that no one wants to be with me for long. I just know what I like in life. I just want to go to the movies, try new restaurants, reading in the evening, occasional outdoor adventures, and chill at home. A mostly chill homebody who likes a tiny bit of adventure. 

No one is perfect and no relationship is perfect. But that is not what I ever asked for from anyone. 

Every relationship has a lesson to it. I don't know if each one has a different lesson. I feel like all of mine have been learn to communicate with your partner. But this is pointless if they chose or cannot communicate back. I think the lesson I need and what I need to learn is to stop being so passive. Speak up for myself when I need to. 

I cannot believe I got crushed again by someone I love. It has been so difficult and weeks of tears. I ended up moving to Santa Rosa a few days after. I like it so far. It feels fresh, but everything has been so difficult to just breath and wake up each morning. That probably sounds over dramatic but he was there for me during the hardest things I have experienced in my life. Then they just fall out of love with you without want to talk about or work through it. What did I mean to them in all that time?

On top of this heartbreak and a giant move to somewhere new alone, I was told I have moderate to severe hearing loss in both ears. I had to get hearing aids. I am 36 years old and I have to wear hearing aids for the rest of my life. It is nothing to be ashamed of but fuck me, can we quit it with the medical issues that you just have to deal with forever. I wear hearing aids, a Dexcom, and have about 15 surgical scars. I can't lose weight and my hair still looks sort of terrible. 

It is important for me to remember that I did not cause any of my health issues. It is not my fault. I have the strength to get through anything and everything related to my health. I have before and I can do it again. These issues also do not make me unlovable or worth less than other people. 

I am just another person in this world with too many feelings about everything and everyone that also suffers from self esteem problems. I have to figure out what makes me happy and what I really want in this life. I will struggle but not every day. 

For now I will focus on being happy and healing from things done to me by other people without my say. Maybe someday someone will want me, all of me for who I am. I want someone to fight to keep me. Not get bored and give up everything we have together. My body is beyond high maintenance but I am a low key person with lots of love to offer. 

Life is really fucking hard sometimes. It is important to remember and be grateful for the good things you have. I have a small handful of amazing friends, family that will always love me, a great boss and job, plus a wonderful weirdo kitty. Gratitude is also a weird thing with transplant life. Of course, I am so happy to have been given a second chance with a new kidney...but it came with a handful of other issues. Like becoming diabetic which is a huge fuck you. Oh well, you just deal with it. Just like everything else. The kidney is working beautifully. I have better test results than some non-kidney people! 

The end for now, from a broken hearted girl alone with her cat on the couch. 

2020 in a Nutshell - Never finished in November of 2020 & clicked publish in 2024

Most people can probably describe this year in one word: wow.

Yes, the whole world has been turned upside down and on it's side throughout this whole year. But holy shit, I have gone through so much. Enough for someone's entire life. So let's start at the beginning.

On December 31st 2019, I had to start hemodialysis at a center across town. It was HORRIBLE. In case you don't know what hemodialysis is, it is the cleaning of your blood through a fistula or a chest catheter. I have a AV Fistula in my left arm, which I had created in July of 2017. Dialysis, for me, lasted 3-3.5 hours three times per week on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. I hate every minute of dialysis. They say you will feel better, but I didn't notice. I would go home afterwards and just crash for hours. Awful, awful place. If you can avoid it, do. Then...Covid-19 became an issue.

Covid-19 became a safety precaution at dialysis with no visitors, masks (provided by the clinic), and temperature checks in late March. It made the process even worse than before. Wearing a mask for about four hours was very uncomfortable. But it did help me feel even more sympathetic to frontline healthcare workers. Have you seen how much PPE they wear? They have to wear that because the pandemic is fucking real and it is horrible. 

There were eventually shut downs and quarantines, which caused anxiety within a lot of people. It caused weird shortages at stores and the closures of businesses. It is STILL a huge issue across the whole world, but the United States has suffered quite a bit because of lack of leadership from señor Cheeto Puff. 

While still on dialysis in April or May (I cannot remember) I received a call from UCSF, who I hadn't heard from in months. I do know that I had a handful or two handfuls of people that had submitted their info to donate a kidney to me, but I figured everything was on hold due to Covid. The call was to tell me I had a matching donor. Queue in the shaking and tears in my eyes. 

My friend Sierra, from high school, had submitted her information to donate late in 2019. She had been testing and going through all of the necessary processes. I didn't even know! She was a match and they were calling to check my schedule! It was SO much information at once! Sierra and I eventually settled on June 30th, 2020. I was nervous and excited and had so many feelings! 

Eventually, we got to my last dialysis treatment. I still hated every fucking minute of it. But the end of June finally came! I had to go the Friday before surgery for information and Covid testing. Can I tell ya that is the worst test I have ever gone through?! The nurse, or whatever she was, shoved that giant swab into my brain. My nose even bled a little. Yikes. 

June 30th, 2020 I had too many emotions, as usual in hospitals or medical facilities. I freaked out in the pre-op. But eventually Sierra and I went into surgery. Next thing I knew, I woke up in a room on the ninth floor. The Kidney Floor.

Nonprofit Extroidinare

Hello All!

Last month, I happened upon a job opening in Fresno with Best Buddies. I had heard of this organization while working in Arizona. What I did not know, at that time, was that it in a national and international company. So, I was very excited to see an opening in my own city. I applied on a Saturday or Sunday and was emailed for a follow up on Monday. The interview was great and the interviewer actually knew what AmeriCorps was all about. After a little while, I got the job! Today is only my second day but I am so excited to be working for such a great organization.

Six years ago this fall, I applied for a handful (or more) positions with AmeriCorps VISTA. I was eventually selected for a position in Washington State north of Seattle. I worked as the School Buddies Coordinator. This evolved into more duties on campus like volunteering in the classroom and helping coordinate other volunteers within the school. I loved this position and working with AmeriCorps was rewarding.

I continued to do two more terms of AmeriCorps VISTA in two different states; California and Arizona. All three of my years were very different from each other, but good learning experiences in the long run. When I could not find a nonprofit position after my second year, I thought negatively about AmeriCorps not providing enough help with jobs after your term. This was my fault, not their's.

When I finished my third term, I had a great handful of interviews in Phoenix. People started to compliment my accomplishments and experience. But, due to personal (and unforeseen reasons) I would not stay in Phoenix. I left Arizona in October but decided to stay unemployed for health reasons. My health is still an issue, but you cannot live your life on hold waiting to get sick.

There is one interesting connection with my experience with AmeriCorps and my new position with Best Buddies: The Kennedy's. John F. Kennedy originated the idea of VISTA (Volunteers in Service to America) program before his death. The program took start in 1965, two years after his assassination. Now, Best Buddies is my newest connection to the legendary family. The organization was started by Anthony K. Shriver, the nephew of John F. Kennedy and son of Eunice Kennedy, who helped start the Special Olympics.

Another connection to the Kennedy Family. My grandfather, Roger Wickland, met Robert F. Kennedy at some point before his assassination. We still have the photograph to prove it! I find the Kennedy's fascinating and I hope Joe Kennedy III runs for president someday!

Please click HERE to learn more about Best Buddies!
Please click HERE to learn more about AmeriCorps and their variety of programs!

Live Inspired

As humans, I feel we all need inspiration during hard times. My life has felt like a hard time for the last seven months, so I have searched for inspiring people, books, speeches, and even a trip to church.

Here are two different things that have helped me in the long run and most recently.

Amy Purdy.
If you have not heard of Amy Purdy, please go Google her right this minute. At the age of nineteen she contracted meningitis and lost her feet, plus her kidney function. I did not even know about my own health struggle when I discovered her.  first learned of her when she was on Dancing with the Stars in 2014. She blew me away with her dancing skills...including dancing without legs before the knee. Are you kidding? Amy danced with different styles of prosthetic, including running blades. She came in second place with Derek Hough and all of that just weeks after competing in the Paralympic Games in Sochi, Russia. Also to note, her and her husband's nonprofit were a huge part of getting snowboarding into the games and this was the first year they were included!

To learn more about Amy Purdy, you can watch her Ted Talk for free here or purchase her book here.

Church.
I am not a religious person. I have gone to church services (not including weddings) maybe two times. I have always found it interesting and found good lessons in some stories from the bible. I do not and will not believe there is an almighty being watching over everyone. But two weeks ago, my friend (JS) invited me to her church's Wednesday night series "Unstuck." I have been trying to say yes to more opportunities and events, ya know, broaden my horizons?

So, I went with my friend and her daughter. (PS I love these people.) It was the second night in a trilogy and tonight's theme was "Inspired and Included." Perfect for me! There were two pastors that spoke. I guess it was a low-key sermon with funny videos included. Then he gave every talking points to discuss with your table. Each table had 8-10 people, ours was all women.

Everything he spoke about was related to worship, but I listened and gave me own spin to it. You can replace words like worship and faith to fit life. What the pastor spoke of was a new way of looking at your own life, your hobbies, your job, and appreciating the people around you.

At the end of the group discussion, my friend shared with the group what I had been going through lately. She spoke with love. The group then prayed for me and even though I do not believe in prayer, it really touched me in a profound way. I cried in public, which I do not like doing. I felt inspired and included, so good job with the title.

Some food for thought from the discussion. Credit to New Covenant Church in Fresno, CA. I took out God and faith, made it my own...

1. How have relationships with others helped you grow?

2. People often seek out relationships when they are going difficult times. What is the benefit of having relationships with others before you go through the difficulty?

3. Why do you think some people are resistant to joining a Life Group? What can you do to help them overcome their resistance?

Lemons

When life gives you lemon after lemon, it is hard to picture lemonade.

The last seven months of my life have not been easy. First, dealing with a breakup that was shocking and brutal. Second, dealing with the never ending kidney disease. Third, dealing with depression and other feelings.

I have spoken about my breakup before. I am finally feeling better about it. There is no way to change what happened and, obviously, that person does not want me anymore. This is painful and you must grieve the life you shared. You must also grieve the life that you pictured with that person. Things will arise, like they have in May, to remind you of memories with that person or the life you shared. Feel it and move on.

My health is "better" than it was in Arizona or even in February. I have been dealing with the UCSF transplant team to move forward with surgery. I have a matching donor and we both completed every test that they requested. But numbers have move up and down, the latest number being 23 which is 3 points too high for surgery. Cool. I will just sit and wait to get worse.

Depression. It is a big word and an even heavier feeling. I have always struggled to see things as a positive. When your life (that you finally thought was working out) crumbles into almost nothing, it is hard to see the positive. I had been dumped by the person I loved, no longer had a job, needed a kidney, and was dealing with the pain of a family member's health on top of mine. Life could obviously be worse, but that is still a lot to deal with.

I have attempted to pick myself up from all of this and I am still struggling around the edges. It takes time and effort to make your life feel good again. There aren't any fair godmothers or magic spells.

Happy Mother's Day

Today, we celebrate the love we have for our mother's. They made you, birthed you, took care of you, and sent you on your way...eventually. They are probably the strongest connection with another person that you can have in this life.

My mom is slowing slipping away from us due to Parkinson's Disease. She has had this for a long time now, but the symptoms and drug reactions have practically taken over her life and my dad's. It is one of the saddest things I have witnessed in my entire life. This coming from someone who enjoys sad movies and serial killer documentaries. She is still my mother, but the person who was my mom all those years is pretty much gone. Everyone loved this woman, when I met people: Her coworkers, her friends, community members, and my friends. I will always love her and remember to call her, even if it is painful for me. Happy Mother's Day!

My sister is far away, but we still talk via text or the occasional video. We may not be the closest, but we are still sisters. She has an awesome husband, two great kids, and a cat in a perfect neighborhood near Portland. It is always fun to visit her and go to the tea store. I have always been slightly jealous of her throughout our lives, but we are different for a reason. I wish her all the happiness this world can give. She could probably conquer the world if she wanted. Happy Mother's Day!

My friends (KH, MHY) who are moms amaze me. How can you handle so much in one day? I babysit for a whole day and I am exhausted. You two are the best examples of what a friend and what a mom should or could be. Do not doubt yourself for a second, you've got this. KH, I am so excited for your future in multiple ways. MHY, a new house for your family and a yard for the boys. Happy Mother's Day!

My second moms (Carol, Caroll, Jaye) who have helped me more than once. Some people do not have blood family in this life. I have a that, plus three extra mothers. Carol, you love your wine and your family. It shows everyday and it is such a blast to hang with the Burger family. Caroll, a long time ago you bought be a dress (literally minutes before prom) and I have never forgotten that. You always made me feel invited in your home and lucky to be friends with Jess. Jaye...you have been such a light in my life. I have needed you too many times to count and you have always come through more than I can express in words. Happy Mother's Day!

Don't forget to thank the mothers in your life, even if they did not give birth to you. It will be appreciated, trust me!

Second Leading Cause...and I got it!

It is officially the first day of May, which is high blood pressure awareness month. Please read below my connection with blood pressure.

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You know when you go to the doctor, they always take your blood pressure, right? It is the black or blue thing that wraps around your arms and squeezes really tight. It is important to track this number often and early in life.

My blood pressure was always high, but I always brushed it off as White Coat Syndrome (fear of doctors.) I never had a doctor or nurse sit me down for a few minutes to relax then retest it. They just believed me that is was a fear of their office or the doctor. But, apparently this was not the case for me. 

In 2015, I went to the emergency room for a stomach issue. My blood pressure was 171/110 , this is compared to normal blood pressure which is 120/80. This is crazy high for a 27 year old woman that was healthy and exercising. During this visit was the first time a medical professional told me to get it checked further. 

*Side note on this ER visit.*

They ran a kidney panel and did not disclose the information. I went into my records recently and discovered it myself. I could have been diagnosed with CKD a year earlier.

So, my body had been fighting itself with high blood pressure for years, possibly all of my life. It has damaged my kidneys beyond repair. I was born with a small left kidney, which wound have been fine if I did not have high blood pressure. It has been such a long time that they can not diagnosis the cause of my high blood pressure either.

After lots of trial and error with medication plus three different doctors, I take Lisinopril 10mg and Hydrochlorothiazide 12.5mg every day to control my blood pressure. My number bounces around a tiny bit, but is always much closer to normal now. 

The moral or lesson of my story, don't brush medical information of as nothing. It could be life threatening. 

I'm going to be a Mexican!

Tonight was the biggest surprise of my life....and for once it was good to be caught off guard.

I was going out to dinner with friends from my old job at Jain Irrigation. My friend, JHS, claimed they were going out to dinner to blow off some steam from a stressful month at work. I was happy to go because I love these people and always will.

We all sit down and start ordering drinks. I am having a good time chatting with grownups and children, seated in between children of course. But around 7:00 (I'm guessing) they told me to check my phone, which was in my purse. I still didn't suspect anything....

I see that I have been tagged on a post of Instagram by "Get Loud for Kidneys" (go follow them right now) and was wondering why since I was just featured on their site. I see that it is a picture Monique and I took on World Kidney Day and start to read the post as follows bellow.

Dear Robyn: I know it's been a roller coaster for you since you were diagnosed. A lot of changes, disappointments, and uncertainties. But fortunately, one certainty you can on is, that I am your perfect match. Love, Monique

Yes, I cried at dinner reading the message. I immediately called my dad to tell him the good news. I am relieved, nervous, excited, and a great many adjectives right now. What a night?!

Thank you Monique and my Jain Family (Monique Y, Monique B, Esme, Nancy, Nichole, Art, Rigo, Megan, Jaye, Rhonda, and some off spring) for surprising me like this. It was amazing! Beyond words, amazing. Monique is one of the strongest women I know. I am so happy to know her and for this wonderful gift she is giving me. 

I would also like Ashley Somics, Get Loud for Kidneys, for helping with this specials surprise. I was absolutely shocked. Well done ladies. 

Life in Pieces

I haven't blogged recently, mostly because nothing has changed. My life is just as messed up and confusing as the Trump Administration, except I can't quit or get fired.

1. Kidney & Transplant - So, I completed all of my testing for the transplant. Then, MHY completed all of her testing on March 2nd. It then became a waiting game to see if she is my match. Everything took a GIANT fucking pause on Wednesday the 14th. UCSF called me in the morning to let me know that my numbers looked "too good" so they were putting me on hold until my nephrologist told them to move forward. Okay, way to throw me off guard. So, I called my nephrologist's office to move my blood and office visits up to double check my current numbers. I saw Dr. Atwal yesterday and had blood drawn. Now...we wait. My favorite thing to do.

This was such a mixed bag of information. I spent Wednesday on the verge of tears because my life has been on hold since I moved back to California. I was waiting for surgery, waiting for tests, waiting for everything...now, it might not happen. I feel like I completely wasted my time because I was not putting effort into my job search and I just sat on my ass waiting for the world to move forward for me. What a fucking idiot. Why do I make such stupid decisions?

2. Love Life - It is still nonexistent. I am feeling better about my most recent breakup, but things still remind me of him through out the day. My dreams at night are often about him. He either breaks up with me in different ways or comes to me in California with a huge romantic gesture. Either way, I still wake up alone in my bed without the comfort of him next to me. This is not a movie. He won't come back in some romantic way. He left and it is over. If it wasn't, he would have called me or text me by now instead of silence for the last five months. Time to move on, but how do you move on when everything else in your life is in shambles. Who really wants to date a girl without a job and will need a new organ in the near future?

3. Experience - I am currently volunteering two days a week at the Fresno Water Tower. It is kind of fun. I thought it might lead to new friends and a possible job. My old position with J did not workout since I am not bilingual...how nice that I am no longer qualified for a job I did for a year and a half. That is fantastic. (sarcasm) Now that I might not need a kidney immediately, I would like to find a job. Not just any job, I am qualified and have lots of experience thanks to AmeriCorps...where are all the good jobs in the Fresno that don't require Spanish???

No, this was not an upbeat blog. I apologize, but sometimes life just feels like shit and you cry yourself to sleep at night, alone. Tell yourself that things will get better...but when is that?