Movies have always played a major role in my life. I believe my dad passed this on to me. He always watches TCM with the old movies. He always knew every actors name and what they were known for. I am the same way, but with a newer generation of actors and films. Most movies have a romantic element to them and some are pure romance. For example, romantic comedy is it's own section on Netflix and what used to be movie rental places. Some of these movies are wonderful. My favorite is probably "When Harry Met Sally," it is a classic! But there is one problem with movies, they lie. They give an exception that your life will be full of great romantic gestures. I have never found this to be true.
My exceptions were high and that I would just happen to find someone. That perfect someone who was tall, dark, and handsome that would sweep me off my feet. While keeping your expectations high the actual men in your life is a good thing. It is not a good thing to keep your expectations anything close to movies. No one is going to meet you at the top of the Empire State Building to profess their love. No one is going to get to the airport and turn around to say I love you. These scenarios have never happened to anyone I know. Ever.
I was never big on dating. A lot of my friends had boyfriends from high school or right after. I was always jealous of this. Always. My relationship list is short. I don't mind that. I personally feel it is better to have a few long term relationships that a dozen short ones that don't mean much. After my experiences in love, so far, I have lowered my expectations and ideas of what love really means.
Here are three relationships that have meant the most in my life. I will not use names for privacy of the other parties mentioned. This is going to be long, thank you for reading it in it's entirety in advance.
Boy #1: We met online. The first person had the balls to meet from a website. It was strange to meet someone in person that you have spoken to only through text. He was very nice and made me feel good about myself. He also made me feel desired by a man for the first time. We did not share a lot of common interests, but we shared a brief relationship. It was an introduction into different things for me. We won't get too deep that but I told myself "this boy is nice and genuinely cares for me, so why not?" Again, this was brief. He left for a job. I got over it very quickly but Boy #1 will always hold a certain place in my heart.
Boy #2: Again, I met this boy online. But it was different from that very first cup of tea. Everything clicked correctly. It was summer and I was wearing my "hooker shirt" that showed off a little something something. I was also wearing shorts. I remember this because I had recently hurt both of my knees in very simple ways on separate occasions. He was so cute that he made up a hilarious adventure story about how I actually hurt my knees. We talked and sipped our drinks. At the end we agreed to keep talking, but we were both headed out of town for family trips or something. The next few dates were in fact like a movie. On one we went to an outside garden that had food trucks and live music. It started to storm with rain and lightning and thunder out of nowhere. It was perfect though. We walked around in the rain and stayed for the music. I eventually met his friends, who I adored. They all said praises about me and said how happy Boy #2 was since we had met. I was happier than I had been in a long time, maybe ever. We both loved movies and he had a knowledge for music that was very impressive. We hung out on Wednesday nights to watch American Horror Story Hotel. I even attempted to make dinner on those nights. Every weekend we would hang out alone or with his friends. I did not even mind going to bars and micro breweries, even though I do not drink alcohol. It was fun every single time. We were passionate together and shared inside jokes. Everything seemed perfect for nine months. My first "real" boyfriend and definitely my longest relationship. I was starting to see a future with this person, but everything came apart after my diagnosis of kidney disease. He seemed supportive at first and even introduced me to a coworker who's daughter was dealing with similar issues. (Hey SB and MR!) Boy #2 started to act kind of distant. I knew something was weird when he didn't want me to spend the night and did not respond to texts. Finally, I asked to talk to him. Boy #2 said he was having trouble dealing with me diagnosis. Blah blah blah. A week goes by after this discussion and nothing happens between us, so I ask to talk to him again. We went to dinner after work and I thought everything would be okay since we talked about normal stuff at dinner. I was wrong. We back to his house and he broke up with me. He could not handle being with me. He did not know how to deal with how sick I could get. He stopped loving me. How could someone that you spend almost a year with say something like that? At the time, I was so heart broken. It hurt so much. I really did not understand how someone could "love" you and break you heart so easily. Sometimes, I still miss him or maybe I miss the idea of him. It is hard to distinguish feelings. Boy #2 will always be the first boy I ever loved and will always be that person to me. I realized later that he did not deserve me and I deserve better. I need someone who is strong enough to love me at my best and my worst.
Boy #3: I am still healing from this breakup and I don't know when I will be over it. We did not meet online. I had known Boy #3 since high school, so about fourteen years when we got together. I don't think either of us planned to get together. Last summer, after recovering from Boy #2, I went on a trip to Arizona with a friend from high school. This friend had been a major part of my life for about ten years. I was even in his wedding and spent countless nights at his apartment right after high school. We had always gotten along so well and he always knew how to make me laugh. I thought we were just going on a weekend trip to hangout with his brother and another friend from high school. We talked about everything that had happened in our lives the last two years. He told me about his ex, who I sued to consider one of my best friends. I told him about my recent breakup and my health. It was a great trip. Swimming, food, friends, movies, what else could you ask for? A few times, I thought this guy is flirting with me. On the car ride home, at about two in the morning, I knew he was flirting with me but I was so tired I didn't really think clearly. Two weeks later, we attended our high school reunion together. I was not sure at the time if it was a date or not, but I could tell afterwards that it was. We kept texting after this. I had always liked spending time with him. We planned a weekend trip to a part of California neither of us had been to and wasn't too far away. This is where things changed. It was one of the best weekends I had ever had. We explored and went on a zip line. He touched my shoulder after the zip line and I got goosebumps. We went back to our Airbnb to relax until dinner. Boy #3 kissed me and I couldn't believe it. We stayed there for much longer than we meant to and went to a late dinner. The next day we explored more and went to a train museum. He we walked around holding hands and kissing throughout the day. It was perfect. He had liked me for a long time, but was involved with someone else. I had felt the same way. Now was the perfect time. I really thought, "Finally, my time for happiness." I thought it was fate. From there, we met up on a few weeks. He lived 2 1/2 hours north of me, so I would drive up on Fridays after work. We went to movies, dinner, and even went kayaking. It was so wonderful. He was moving to Arizona. He invited me to go too. I thought, what a great adventure. Why not? I left my job that I loved and my roommates that I loved. Things were great with this boy in Arizona. In December, we went for a hike that was the most physically challenging thing I had ever done. I finally said, "I love you." We were happy. I was happy again. My job was not what I had expected and my health was slowly declining, but Boy #3 was always there to cheer me up. He kept me grounded, sane, happy, desired, loved. He also made more adventurous, which I appreciated. My parents already knew this boy and loved him too. I knew his entire family and loved them back. Boy #3 supported my more than I could have asked in July when I had to have surgery. It was terrifying beforehand and horrible after, but he was there. It was true love. How could you care for someone after surgery like that and not think so? Unless of course they are a medical professional. Things had become a little stagnant after surgery. I wasn't able to do much and it was way too hot outside, plus we didn't have much money to do things. Nonetheless, I had fallen so in love with this boy. I felt like I could have stayed with him forever. I was hoping that would happen, even if it wasn't marriage. I knew he wasn't a huge fan of marriage because of what had happened the first time, but I did not know his feelings about it. He was gone for a whole month to visit family. I gave him space. I did not was to be an annoying girlfriend asking a million questions. He returned from his trip and everything was great again. Or so I thought. In the end of September, this year, he acted weird for a few days but I didn't think any of it. On a Saturday, we went to brunch and ran some errands. I thought he was just tired. Back when we got together in September 2016, he had spoken of a life together in five years. We both discussed not ruining our friendship just for a nights together. I was not a compulsive person. I would not have started the relationship or moved if I thought there was any chance of it ending. I was so wrong. In the evening, after spending the entire day together, he said we needed to talk. The dreaded words for anyone. He had decided to leave Arizona. I think I understand now. Boy #3 had moved to Arizona with big dreams and they had not panned out like he thought. He got stuck in his own head and ran out of resources, so he found an easier way out. He broke up with me that evening and moved on Wednesday. We had been together one year and three weeks. We lived together. I thought we were starting a life together. Maybe he never felt as strongly for me as I did for him. I don't know if I will ever know what happened in his head. The way things happened that evening made me second guess everything that had happened between us. Was a rebound for him? Did he love me like I loved him? Did he ever see a future with me? Why? How could he leave so abruptly and not explain? Why didn't he share with me how he was feeling? I could have helped or at least tried to help. People have told me to move on or get over it. It is not that simple when you have known someone half your life and been so involved with each other. There were strong connections and now they are broken. I feel like I cannot talk to his family or to him. He claimed he wanted to be friends, but how. Can you really be friends with an ex after so much pain?I still love Boy #3 and I think I always will in some capacity. Maybe we are meant for more someday or maybe it is over forever. It is not up to me, since I did not choose the path we are on now.
Boy #2 broke up with me because of my illness. Boy #3 cared for me despite my illness.
There is a Broadway musical and movie called "The Last Five Years." It is about a breakup between a young couple. Although Boy #3 and I were not together for fives years and we were not married like Jaime and Kathy in the film, there is a song that explains exactly how I am feeling. In the movie, Anna Kendrick belts out her pain with "Still Hurting." If you watch the movie (available on Netflix) or YouTube the song, then you can understand how I am feeling. It has been two months and I am still hurting.