2020 in a Nutshell - Never finished in November of 2020 & clicked publish in 2024

Most people can probably describe this year in one word: wow.

Yes, the whole world has been turned upside down and on it's side throughout this whole year. But holy shit, I have gone through so much. Enough for someone's entire life. So let's start at the beginning.

On December 31st 2019, I had to start hemodialysis at a center across town. It was HORRIBLE. In case you don't know what hemodialysis is, it is the cleaning of your blood through a fistula or a chest catheter. I have a AV Fistula in my left arm, which I had created in July of 2017. Dialysis, for me, lasted 3-3.5 hours three times per week on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. I hate every minute of dialysis. They say you will feel better, but I didn't notice. I would go home afterwards and just crash for hours. Awful, awful place. If you can avoid it, do. Then...Covid-19 became an issue.

Covid-19 became a safety precaution at dialysis with no visitors, masks (provided by the clinic), and temperature checks in late March. It made the process even worse than before. Wearing a mask for about four hours was very uncomfortable. But it did help me feel even more sympathetic to frontline healthcare workers. Have you seen how much PPE they wear? They have to wear that because the pandemic is fucking real and it is horrible. 

There were eventually shut downs and quarantines, which caused anxiety within a lot of people. It caused weird shortages at stores and the closures of businesses. It is STILL a huge issue across the whole world, but the United States has suffered quite a bit because of lack of leadership from señor Cheeto Puff. 

While still on dialysis in April or May (I cannot remember) I received a call from UCSF, who I hadn't heard from in months. I do know that I had a handful or two handfuls of people that had submitted their info to donate a kidney to me, but I figured everything was on hold due to Covid. The call was to tell me I had a matching donor. Queue in the shaking and tears in my eyes. 

My friend Sierra, from high school, had submitted her information to donate late in 2019. She had been testing and going through all of the necessary processes. I didn't even know! She was a match and they were calling to check my schedule! It was SO much information at once! Sierra and I eventually settled on June 30th, 2020. I was nervous and excited and had so many feelings! 

Eventually, we got to my last dialysis treatment. I still hated every fucking minute of it. But the end of June finally came! I had to go the Friday before surgery for information and Covid testing. Can I tell ya that is the worst test I have ever gone through?! The nurse, or whatever she was, shoved that giant swab into my brain. My nose even bled a little. Yikes. 

June 30th, 2020 I had too many emotions, as usual in hospitals or medical facilities. I freaked out in the pre-op. But eventually Sierra and I went into surgery. Next thing I knew, I woke up in a room on the ninth floor. The Kidney Floor.

Nonprofit Extroidinare

Hello All!

Last month, I happened upon a job opening in Fresno with Best Buddies. I had heard of this organization while working in Arizona. What I did not know, at that time, was that it in a national and international company. So, I was very excited to see an opening in my own city. I applied on a Saturday or Sunday and was emailed for a follow up on Monday. The interview was great and the interviewer actually knew what AmeriCorps was all about. After a little while, I got the job! Today is only my second day but I am so excited to be working for such a great organization.

Six years ago this fall, I applied for a handful (or more) positions with AmeriCorps VISTA. I was eventually selected for a position in Washington State north of Seattle. I worked as the School Buddies Coordinator. This evolved into more duties on campus like volunteering in the classroom and helping coordinate other volunteers within the school. I loved this position and working with AmeriCorps was rewarding.

I continued to do two more terms of AmeriCorps VISTA in two different states; California and Arizona. All three of my years were very different from each other, but good learning experiences in the long run. When I could not find a nonprofit position after my second year, I thought negatively about AmeriCorps not providing enough help with jobs after your term. This was my fault, not their's.

When I finished my third term, I had a great handful of interviews in Phoenix. People started to compliment my accomplishments and experience. But, due to personal (and unforeseen reasons) I would not stay in Phoenix. I left Arizona in October but decided to stay unemployed for health reasons. My health is still an issue, but you cannot live your life on hold waiting to get sick.

There is one interesting connection with my experience with AmeriCorps and my new position with Best Buddies: The Kennedy's. John F. Kennedy originated the idea of VISTA (Volunteers in Service to America) program before his death. The program took start in 1965, two years after his assassination. Now, Best Buddies is my newest connection to the legendary family. The organization was started by Anthony K. Shriver, the nephew of John F. Kennedy and son of Eunice Kennedy, who helped start the Special Olympics.

Another connection to the Kennedy Family. My grandfather, Roger Wickland, met Robert F. Kennedy at some point before his assassination. We still have the photograph to prove it! I find the Kennedy's fascinating and I hope Joe Kennedy III runs for president someday!

Please click HERE to learn more about Best Buddies!
Please click HERE to learn more about AmeriCorps and their variety of programs!

Live Inspired

As humans, I feel we all need inspiration during hard times. My life has felt like a hard time for the last seven months, so I have searched for inspiring people, books, speeches, and even a trip to church.

Here are two different things that have helped me in the long run and most recently.

Amy Purdy.
If you have not heard of Amy Purdy, please go Google her right this minute. At the age of nineteen she contracted meningitis and lost her feet, plus her kidney function. I did not even know about my own health struggle when I discovered her.  first learned of her when she was on Dancing with the Stars in 2014. She blew me away with her dancing skills...including dancing without legs before the knee. Are you kidding? Amy danced with different styles of prosthetic, including running blades. She came in second place with Derek Hough and all of that just weeks after competing in the Paralympic Games in Sochi, Russia. Also to note, her and her husband's nonprofit were a huge part of getting snowboarding into the games and this was the first year they were included!

To learn more about Amy Purdy, you can watch her Ted Talk for free here or purchase her book here.

Church.
I am not a religious person. I have gone to church services (not including weddings) maybe two times. I have always found it interesting and found good lessons in some stories from the bible. I do not and will not believe there is an almighty being watching over everyone. But two weeks ago, my friend (JS) invited me to her church's Wednesday night series "Unstuck." I have been trying to say yes to more opportunities and events, ya know, broaden my horizons?

So, I went with my friend and her daughter. (PS I love these people.) It was the second night in a trilogy and tonight's theme was "Inspired and Included." Perfect for me! There were two pastors that spoke. I guess it was a low-key sermon with funny videos included. Then he gave every talking points to discuss with your table. Each table had 8-10 people, ours was all women.

Everything he spoke about was related to worship, but I listened and gave me own spin to it. You can replace words like worship and faith to fit life. What the pastor spoke of was a new way of looking at your own life, your hobbies, your job, and appreciating the people around you.

At the end of the group discussion, my friend shared with the group what I had been going through lately. She spoke with love. The group then prayed for me and even though I do not believe in prayer, it really touched me in a profound way. I cried in public, which I do not like doing. I felt inspired and included, so good job with the title.

Some food for thought from the discussion. Credit to New Covenant Church in Fresno, CA. I took out God and faith, made it my own...

1. How have relationships with others helped you grow?

2. People often seek out relationships when they are going difficult times. What is the benefit of having relationships with others before you go through the difficulty?

3. Why do you think some people are resistant to joining a Life Group? What can you do to help them overcome their resistance?

Lemons

When life gives you lemon after lemon, it is hard to picture lemonade.

The last seven months of my life have not been easy. First, dealing with a breakup that was shocking and brutal. Second, dealing with the never ending kidney disease. Third, dealing with depression and other feelings.

I have spoken about my breakup before. I am finally feeling better about it. There is no way to change what happened and, obviously, that person does not want me anymore. This is painful and you must grieve the life you shared. You must also grieve the life that you pictured with that person. Things will arise, like they have in May, to remind you of memories with that person or the life you shared. Feel it and move on.

My health is "better" than it was in Arizona or even in February. I have been dealing with the UCSF transplant team to move forward with surgery. I have a matching donor and we both completed every test that they requested. But numbers have move up and down, the latest number being 23 which is 3 points too high for surgery. Cool. I will just sit and wait to get worse.

Depression. It is a big word and an even heavier feeling. I have always struggled to see things as a positive. When your life (that you finally thought was working out) crumbles into almost nothing, it is hard to see the positive. I had been dumped by the person I loved, no longer had a job, needed a kidney, and was dealing with the pain of a family member's health on top of mine. Life could obviously be worse, but that is still a lot to deal with.

I have attempted to pick myself up from all of this and I am still struggling around the edges. It takes time and effort to make your life feel good again. There aren't any fair godmothers or magic spells.

Happy Mother's Day

Today, we celebrate the love we have for our mother's. They made you, birthed you, took care of you, and sent you on your way...eventually. They are probably the strongest connection with another person that you can have in this life.

My mom is slowing slipping away from us due to Parkinson's Disease. She has had this for a long time now, but the symptoms and drug reactions have practically taken over her life and my dad's. It is one of the saddest things I have witnessed in my entire life. This coming from someone who enjoys sad movies and serial killer documentaries. She is still my mother, but the person who was my mom all those years is pretty much gone. Everyone loved this woman, when I met people: Her coworkers, her friends, community members, and my friends. I will always love her and remember to call her, even if it is painful for me. Happy Mother's Day!

My sister is far away, but we still talk via text or the occasional video. We may not be the closest, but we are still sisters. She has an awesome husband, two great kids, and a cat in a perfect neighborhood near Portland. It is always fun to visit her and go to the tea store. I have always been slightly jealous of her throughout our lives, but we are different for a reason. I wish her all the happiness this world can give. She could probably conquer the world if she wanted. Happy Mother's Day!

My friends (KH, MHY) who are moms amaze me. How can you handle so much in one day? I babysit for a whole day and I am exhausted. You two are the best examples of what a friend and what a mom should or could be. Do not doubt yourself for a second, you've got this. KH, I am so excited for your future in multiple ways. MHY, a new house for your family and a yard for the boys. Happy Mother's Day!

My second moms (Carol, Caroll, Jaye) who have helped me more than once. Some people do not have blood family in this life. I have a that, plus three extra mothers. Carol, you love your wine and your family. It shows everyday and it is such a blast to hang with the Burger family. Caroll, a long time ago you bought be a dress (literally minutes before prom) and I have never forgotten that. You always made me feel invited in your home and lucky to be friends with Jess. Jaye...you have been such a light in my life. I have needed you too many times to count and you have always come through more than I can express in words. Happy Mother's Day!

Don't forget to thank the mothers in your life, even if they did not give birth to you. It will be appreciated, trust me!

Second Leading Cause...and I got it!

It is officially the first day of May, which is high blood pressure awareness month. Please read below my connection with blood pressure.

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You know when you go to the doctor, they always take your blood pressure, right? It is the black or blue thing that wraps around your arms and squeezes really tight. It is important to track this number often and early in life.

My blood pressure was always high, but I always brushed it off as White Coat Syndrome (fear of doctors.) I never had a doctor or nurse sit me down for a few minutes to relax then retest it. They just believed me that is was a fear of their office or the doctor. But, apparently this was not the case for me. 

In 2015, I went to the emergency room for a stomach issue. My blood pressure was 171/110 , this is compared to normal blood pressure which is 120/80. This is crazy high for a 27 year old woman that was healthy and exercising. During this visit was the first time a medical professional told me to get it checked further. 

*Side note on this ER visit.*

They ran a kidney panel and did not disclose the information. I went into my records recently and discovered it myself. I could have been diagnosed with CKD a year earlier.

So, my body had been fighting itself with high blood pressure for years, possibly all of my life. It has damaged my kidneys beyond repair. I was born with a small left kidney, which wound have been fine if I did not have high blood pressure. It has been such a long time that they can not diagnosis the cause of my high blood pressure either.

After lots of trial and error with medication plus three different doctors, I take Lisinopril 10mg and Hydrochlorothiazide 12.5mg every day to control my blood pressure. My number bounces around a tiny bit, but is always much closer to normal now. 

The moral or lesson of my story, don't brush medical information of as nothing. It could be life threatening. 

I'm going to be a Mexican!

Tonight was the biggest surprise of my life....and for once it was good to be caught off guard.

I was going out to dinner with friends from my old job at Jain Irrigation. My friend, JHS, claimed they were going out to dinner to blow off some steam from a stressful month at work. I was happy to go because I love these people and always will.

We all sit down and start ordering drinks. I am having a good time chatting with grownups and children, seated in between children of course. But around 7:00 (I'm guessing) they told me to check my phone, which was in my purse. I still didn't suspect anything....

I see that I have been tagged on a post of Instagram by "Get Loud for Kidneys" (go follow them right now) and was wondering why since I was just featured on their site. I see that it is a picture Monique and I took on World Kidney Day and start to read the post as follows bellow.

Dear Robyn: I know it's been a roller coaster for you since you were diagnosed. A lot of changes, disappointments, and uncertainties. But fortunately, one certainty you can on is, that I am your perfect match. Love, Monique

Yes, I cried at dinner reading the message. I immediately called my dad to tell him the good news. I am relieved, nervous, excited, and a great many adjectives right now. What a night?!

Thank you Monique and my Jain Family (Monique Y, Monique B, Esme, Nancy, Nichole, Art, Rigo, Megan, Jaye, Rhonda, and some off spring) for surprising me like this. It was amazing! Beyond words, amazing. Monique is one of the strongest women I know. I am so happy to know her and for this wonderful gift she is giving me. 

I would also like Ashley Somics, Get Loud for Kidneys, for helping with this specials surprise. I was absolutely shocked. Well done ladies. 

Life in Pieces

I haven't blogged recently, mostly because nothing has changed. My life is just as messed up and confusing as the Trump Administration, except I can't quit or get fired.

1. Kidney & Transplant - So, I completed all of my testing for the transplant. Then, MHY completed all of her testing on March 2nd. It then became a waiting game to see if she is my match. Everything took a GIANT fucking pause on Wednesday the 14th. UCSF called me in the morning to let me know that my numbers looked "too good" so they were putting me on hold until my nephrologist told them to move forward. Okay, way to throw me off guard. So, I called my nephrologist's office to move my blood and office visits up to double check my current numbers. I saw Dr. Atwal yesterday and had blood drawn. Now...we wait. My favorite thing to do.

This was such a mixed bag of information. I spent Wednesday on the verge of tears because my life has been on hold since I moved back to California. I was waiting for surgery, waiting for tests, waiting for everything...now, it might not happen. I feel like I completely wasted my time because I was not putting effort into my job search and I just sat on my ass waiting for the world to move forward for me. What a fucking idiot. Why do I make such stupid decisions?

2. Love Life - It is still nonexistent. I am feeling better about my most recent breakup, but things still remind me of him through out the day. My dreams at night are often about him. He either breaks up with me in different ways or comes to me in California with a huge romantic gesture. Either way, I still wake up alone in my bed without the comfort of him next to me. This is not a movie. He won't come back in some romantic way. He left and it is over. If it wasn't, he would have called me or text me by now instead of silence for the last five months. Time to move on, but how do you move on when everything else in your life is in shambles. Who really wants to date a girl without a job and will need a new organ in the near future?

3. Experience - I am currently volunteering two days a week at the Fresno Water Tower. It is kind of fun. I thought it might lead to new friends and a possible job. My old position with J did not workout since I am not bilingual...how nice that I am no longer qualified for a job I did for a year and a half. That is fantastic. (sarcasm) Now that I might not need a kidney immediately, I would like to find a job. Not just any job, I am qualified and have lots of experience thanks to AmeriCorps...where are all the good jobs in the Fresno that don't require Spanish???

No, this was not an upbeat blog. I apologize, but sometimes life just feels like shit and you cry yourself to sleep at night, alone. Tell yourself that things will get better...but when is that?

Testing, Testing, 1 2 3

When you are preparing to receive or donate a new organ, there is a lot of health testing that go along with it. Every medical facility handles these tests slightly differently or in a different order. My testing with Banner Health in Phoenix was very different to my testing through UCSF in California. For example, I did all of my tests in one day, at one facility for Banner Health. For UCSF, I was able to reuse some of those tests and I others I had to take through referrals of my nephrologist.

Here is a list of the tests I remember doing:

- Chest XRay
- Dental XRay
- Echocardiogram
- Pap Smear (for women)
- EKG
- 24 Hour urine collection
- Lots of blood work, which included a tuberculosis test

The possible donor has to do all of these tests as well, maybe more or maybe less. More on that after March 2nd...

During these process, you also speak with a lot of different medical professionals. My day of meetings, in Phoenix, included a dietitian, a nurse, a social worker, a psychologist, a surgeon plus a few med students, and a case worker/coordinator. It is a lot of information to take in and can be a bit overwhelming. I did not have someone with me during my tests in Phoenix, so I highly recommend bringing a support person and a good snack.

Lonliness

I currently feel lonely almost every day for a number of reasons. It feels like being trapped in a bubble that you cannot burst.

Most people have outlets where they talk to other human beings: work, school, or some sort of social club. I currently have none of these things. I have also had a cold all week, so I haven't been going to the gym this week which is my normal outlet.

My work does not exist for insurance reasons with the transplant waiting list. If I stay on MediCal, I can avoid major hospital bills. Obviously I would like that, but I am bored out of my mind. Fresno does not have a great job market anyway. I have applied for a lot of jobs and a handful of them would have been great, but they haven't even called back for interviews. So, I sit and wait for transplant.

I have also felt lonely because there is no one I know locally in a similar situation. I have lots of friends that are supportive, but I don't think they really understand what is going through my head. Sure, right now seems like a vacation but what about my past heartbreaks and the painful future full of medications. Everything seems hard right now. Being alone, without someone to hold me when my heart hurts, makes everything even harder.

All I want in life is to be healthy, have a man who loves me as much as I love him, a dog, and some nice job. The job doesn't even have to pay well, just as long as I like going every day. When can I have just one of these things?

Everyone has Them

Today, I am talking about insecurities. Everyone has insecurities in their life, big or small.

Last week, I had at least one melt down about my past, my present, and my future. It is easy to feel insecure when nothing seems to be going how you once planned. A friend of mine also had a bit of a meltdown over similar issues. This happens to everyone, literally everyone.

I believe my insecurities come from three main sources: lack of self confidence, rejection, and failure.

Self confidence. In my life, I have never been super self confident. I have always felt a little bit less than everyone else. I always compared myself to my older sister. This happened at school, because we had the same teachers. This also happened at home. I even compared my life to what my friends did or what they had. A few years ago, I started going to the gym. This helped my self confidence in more than one way. I started to look better and feel better. Right now, I am still going to gym almost every day but I am feeling less self confident due to other circumstances. For example, I do not currently have a job and I need a kidney. What man wants to date that?

Rejection. It is not a pleasant thing to have happen. I have now been rejected by two people that I loved with all of my heart. I thought they felt the same way. It hurts when someone you love rejects you, obviously. But rejection in the work place or with friends can hurt too. It is such a painful process that people will avoid dating or asking for promotion just to avoid that hurt feeling. Sometimes, you have to take risks and see what happens. If the consequences are painful, then deal with it them. I am still figuring out this recovery process.

Failure. The feeling of failure might be worse than rejection, depending on who you ask. I have felt like a failure more than once in life. I feel like rejection is worse because it is not up to you. It is another person turning you down or turning away from you. Maybe you did something horrible and maybe it just wasn't meant to be. For others, failure is definitely the worst feeling of all of the feelings. You can fail yourself or others. If you want to impress someone, like your parents, and you feel like you have failed it will eat you up. It is important that you know that you tried and somethings do not work out.

In all of these, it is important to remember that your true friends and your family will love you no matter what. It also helps to remember that a person can work past all of these. There are many ways to "fix" your life. Of course, some things are out of our control but you can handle a situation in your own way. Everything takes time and patience. For me, it helps to remember two things...

Just Keep Swimming & This Too Shall Pass