Unsent Messages & Breakup Thoughts

 May 23, 2024

Dear Matty, 

I feel like you gave up on me. You gave up on us. Obviously, you wanted more from me, but you didn’t express it and held it inside. How was anything supposed to get better? I cannot read your mind. I am still incredibly disappointed that you ended things the way that you did. I still think you might not have been 100% sure about it either. We could have worked on our relationship and gotten stronger together. I still miss you. I feel depressed now, no matter what I do.

May 22, 2024

Dear Matty, 

I know I have to move on. It has been more than two months. But we were together for more than five years. I am trying so hard to feel better. I even started therapy this week. But I need to say things to you. I shouldn’t even email you again. Your response last time didn’t feel emotional or sad. 

I will never understand why you didn't want to work things out between us. We could have had conversations and improved things. Maybe you got tired of the sick girl stuff and didn’t want to tell me that. I have to repeatedly tell myself that I am not to blame for the end of things. 

You meant so much to me over the last five-plus years. I loved you so much. I would have done so much to keep us together and build our relationship into something stronger. We were building a life together. We lived together. But you couldn't talk to me about whatever was bothering you or what you wanted from me in our relationship. This also hurts. Why did you feel you couldn't share your feelings and thoughts with me? Why didn't you see a future with me?

All of the things you brought up while crushing me with your choice felt small and "fixable" to me. We could have worked on ourselves and worked together to build our relationship into something amazing. But no. You decided not to speak with me about your concerns and you didn't even give me a chance. You gave up on me and us. Again, I am so hurt by this. 

If I had become unattractive and too slow, maybe you could have encouraged me to work out or expressed how you felt in a friendly and motivating way. You think I like how i look now? Because I hate how I look and feel in this body. 

I feel like I was accommodating your wants and fit into your life. I showed interest in things that you like. I let you pick what we watch and what we eat because you were always pickier than me. I didn’t mind most of the time. But maybe I was too accommodating. I don’t know how you saw this or how you felt about it.

We had a lot of fun and we had some boring times, but I didn’t think there were any major problems between us. You brought me comfort and joy. I don’t know what I brought you. I am guessing I was just easy company for you when you were lonely and maybe you got tired of my company. I am not sure why drinking alcohol suddenly became an issue for you. 

You also mentioned me stopping you from going to a show or two. I never stopped you from going out with friends. You had your own interests and that is healthy when people are together. I wish you had expressed interest in things I wanted to do like going for walks or going to the pumpkin patch. I also suggested trips sometimes that I thought we would both enjoy, but since you didn’t express interest I stopped trying.

You mentioned not “touching you.” I assume you mean I didn’t initiate sex. I never did between us. Anytime I thought about it, my head got in the way and I need to work on that. If you had said something about it, it would have been a little awkward but we could have worked it out together. I wanted you but didn’t know how to express it sometimes. That is what I was talking about before about being self-conscious. I was a late bloomer in the sex department and I still feel like I am not “good” at any of it. We could have talk about it.

I thought we had a great bond and connection from the moment we met. Everything felt easy between us. Apparently too easy since neither of us spoke up about what we wanted more of from the other person. I wanted more of a deep connection and so did you. So why didn’t either of us try harder or bring it up? We are both avoidant to confrontation. I wanted more appreciation, understanding, empathy, compliments, and interest in what I like/want. I also wanted encouragement.  I should have spoken up. I wish so much that you had wanted to work together to improve things for both of us so we could still be together, not bottle up and stockpile things you didn’t like, and end things between us. 

I also want you to understand how much and what I am grieving from your decision. I am not only sad that we are finished, but I have lost our future of movies, fun, baseball, and tiki bar adventures. I also lost Toki and your family. When I lost my parents, I felt like your family became my family, and that connection became even more important to me. You might want to tell your mom that you didn’t want me anymore and that this was your choice. I got the impression that she thinks we will get back together. Obviously, you should not stay with me if you are unhappy but I want you to realize and understand my point of view on this part. 

I wish I was mad at you sometimes. But i am just incredibly sad that I didn’t mean as much to you as you did to me. I still stick up for you if someone says you were a jerk. I still wonder how you are doing and if you miss me. I even wonder if you even wanted to move in together when i asked. I wonder if you are already moving on with other people.  I still look outside to see if your car if here, that is so pathetic. The day I was leaving, you said so many things and showed your emotions. While you were hurting me, I wondered if you were okay. 

I feel like an idiot for thinking “he stuck by my side through dialysis, transplant, and other health problems so he will stay with me forever.” That is naive and stupid. People change their minds and I should have known that. This is the third time I have been absolutely crushed and heartbroken by the man I loved. The man that continued to say I Love You and I Care About You. But still continued to break my heart. Did you consider talking things through? Did you consider anything else in your life, like your job, was actually the problem?

We both wanted things from the other person and did not vocalize. I asked you how you were, about your day, if you want to go do things. I feel like I did try to be a good girlfriend. I tried my best in the moment and situation with the knowledge that I had at the time. I thought creating a comfortable and clean home for you to come home to was a nice thing, but i don’t know if you noticed.  

A few days before everything broke down, I scratched your head and played with your hair on the couch (like the good old days)  and you waved at me silly the next morning when you got up. Before this I thought you were grumpy from work. But it was me. You didn’t want me anymore. But those moments made me think you were coming back to me and things would improve. But then Thursday you were straight-up mean. That is why I finally asked you what was up. Why would I have been mad at you?! 

You said we were just going through the motions. Yes, that’s true. I was bored too. I asked every single weekend if you wanted to go do something or just chill at home. You said chill, so I went along with it. I thought you were tired and stressed from work. I thought I was supporting you and what you needed. 

I don’t know how to move on, but I am working on it. Our lives were so intertwined for such a long time. Everything Disney makes me incredibly sad and is hidden in the closet right now. Looking at my own Instagram and my photos on my phone makes me sad because there are so many good memories together. Looking at your Instagram makes me question us from your point of view. Even looking at Piper, i get sad sometimes. I mean, you did name her after one of your favorite wrestlers.

My brain is full of questions and my heart is full of sadness. I wish that you had wanted to work through things together. I was more than willing. Maybe the reason you didn’t see a future with me was because of all of my medical issues and you didn’t want to say. Maybe its because I got even more boring. Maybe it is because you wanted a drinker that is great a sex. I have no idea. In your previous email, you said it made you sad and depressed when you thought about ending things. So my question is why didn’t you try? Why did you try to talk to me or fix things or improve anything? I feel like you gave up on me and I never would have given up on you.

Sincerely, Robyn

May 13, 2024

 Hi Matty, 

You really don't need to respond to this. I want you to know more of how i feel. I am so sorry I wasn't enough for you. I miss you and toki so much.I know it's been almost two months now and you are probably moving on. Moving on from me and from us, which is painful for me to even think about. I know I should not message you with all this again. I moved to try to feel better and I do like it here. I think you would too. I am trying everything I know how to do to feel better, but everything is reminds me of you. I saw The Fall Guy over the weekend. You would have loved it. And that is what I was thinking the entire movie...and the romance made me miss you too. I am going on adventures, but i still miss you while I'm out in the woods. I have been journaling and writing and going on long walks. I am grieving the loss of this relationship. I should do my best to stop thinking about you but I am struggling so much with your decision and some of the things you said. Yes, I feel pathetic for writing this. I need to get the thoughts out of my brain.

You definitely shouldn't stay in a relationship if you are unhappy. But I didn't know you were unhappy for as long as you were. Like I said before, I thought you were feeling down about work. You didn't tell me or try to talk to me about any of your feelings. Those conversations probably would have been difficult, but I still think we could have grown stronger together and shared a future. But I don't know why you didn't want me anymore or why you didn't to fix whatever was bothering you. 

When you didn't like something I did like the overactive listening or calling you the best, you would snap at me instead of politely saying to me that you did not like it or appreciate it. I stopped doing both of these things. We could have had conversations about we needed from each other. Or what we wanted less of from each other.

Questions are a constant in my mind now about us. What did I do wrong? What could I have done better? Why didn't he speak up? Why didn't I try harder with my appearance or to be intimate? Why wasn't I enough? What changed? Did you even want to live with me? 

I wish you had encouraged me in some way to be more of what you wanted or needed in a relationship. We spent so much time together from the very start. I feel so stupid now for thinking that you were by my side through so much of my own trauma (dialysis, transplant, death) that you would stick by me no matter what. That is not how life works. People change. Did you change or did I change? 

If you had asked for more intimacy,  i would have tried so hard to give you want you wanted. I felt awkward and uncomfortable with myself sometimes. Maybe i needed guidance or just to get out of my stupid head. I always thought you were more attractive and more experienced than me and sometimes it intimidated me. That is a little ridiculous for me to feel if we are in a serious relationship. 

Maybe my health problems became too annoying or too whatever. i let them get me down sometimes. I could never keep up with you walking or staying up/out late. I want to fix my body, but I don't know how. When i do try to push myself physically, it have to rest even longer than a normal person. I just want to be better physically in shape and look better. I wanted to do things together like go to Disney more, Santa Cruz, or find new places to adventure. I wanted to be able to keep up with your walking speed and stay out all day! I would have loved some encouragement or company at the gym or on walks or find outdoor adventures. 

I love so much and I thought I was a good girlfriend, but you obviously want and need more. I wish that was me. I wish we could have worked on things to stay together. I thought I helped you through a lot of things with work. I thought creating a comfortable home and help with households things and asking about your day were nice things. I would have appreciated some compliments once in a while, or simply asking about my day, or showing a little bit more appreciation for my boring households efforts. 

I want to say I am sorry for leaving behind so much stuff that you bought me or that we bought together. It hurt me just to look at things. I still hurts me to look at photos or things. I have things packed away in my closet right now because I don't want to get rid of them but I don't want to look at them. I want to be grateful for the memories and just be sad that things ended. But i am so heartbroken right now, that I can't see it that way.  

I hope you don't mind that I talked to your mom over the weekend. She still means a lot to me and me to her.  Obviously you didn't tell her any details. When my parents both passed, I felt like I depended on you even more to be family and I might not have dealt with my grief about them enough. Your family became even more of my family. I feel like you took that away from me now. It's your family, not mine. I shouldn't feel like they are mine. I am not trying to make you feel bad, but I do wonder if you considered that. 

I saw your Lettboxd post about Forgetting Sarah Marshall. I don't know what you meant by it because it can be interpreted in different ways. 

Maybe I did get too content or too comfortable, but I wasn't. I wanted to go out and do things together. I suggested restaurants, bowling, going places. I wanted to do those things with you. No I didn't want to go to punk shows, but I never ever would have stopped you from going and I wouldn't have made you feel guilty. Maybe i was too passive about somethings. But i often felt like I was letting you lead the way for a lot. You were more picky about food, so I always let you pick places. Maybe that was silly.

You told me you loved me, missed me, and still cared about but the romantic spark was gone and that you didn't see a future with me. If you really loved me and cared about me, i feel like you would have tried to work through things with me. Not bottle up whatever you were feeling for however long. I feel like you gave up on me and gave up on us. I think there was more to us that hadn't figured out yet. I wish SO fucking badly that things were different. I wish i had tried harder to talk about things or tried harder to push past my own shit. I thought we had built a nice little life together with the kitties. I didn't need to get married or buy a house. I just wanted to be with you.

I think I needed you more than you needed or wanted me. I was dependent and attached to you. Maybe I shouldn't have been, but you loved me before and that it what i needed. You brought me so much joy and happiness, but you always brought me comfort. I get anxious and too deep in my own thoughts, but you always brought me some sort of peace even if it was just watching tv together. You do not feel the same way and that hurts a lot. You always had more time to consider all of your feelings or lack of feelings left for me. I am still struggling to process mine. I am sorry i was not enough for you. I miss you and I hope you can find whatever you didn't find within someone else. Just not too soon.

Hi Matty, 

It has been so strange to not see you or talk to you for over a week now. I don’t know how you are feeling or if you are going to talk to me again. I probably shouldn’t have even sent this email because i sound like an obsessed ex girlfriend now. Wow is it weird to be your ex girlfriend now.I just wanted to say a few things, sorry if this is long and not want you want to hear. I should just work on moving on. Maybe you are already moving on and in a better space now, but I am not.

I am still struggling with your decision to end things between us. Yes, things were boring lately but i thought it was just a “slump” or something that we would gradually come out of it. I felt so lucky to find you and I thought you would be my person forever. But maybe that doesn’t exist in real life. 

I’m sorry you felt like you couldn’t talk to me about anything you were feeling over the last year or more. I knew you were in a bad place with work and I i thought was being a good girlfriend by letting you lead the way chilling on the couch every weekend. I thought I mentioned things often enough that we could go out and do together, but nothing grabbed your interest.

I’m sorry if I wasn’t a good enough partner to help you through things or be there more for you. I’m sorry if I ever made you feel bad, or pressured into anything,  or like I put you up on a pedestal. When i said you were “the best.” It was just affection. It wasn’t to make you feel anything but love. 

Most of all I am sorry that you didn’t want to work through this together or that you didn’t see a future with me. Marriage was NOT a big deal for me. Buying a house was just an investment and a way for us to have more space. I never wanted to “trap” you or pressure you into something that big that you didn’t want to do. 

I felt that we could have worked to strengthen ourselves and in turn our relationship but that is not where your head went. Maybe you sunk into depression and thought being away from me would help. Neither of us is good at bringing up tough conversations, obviously. It seems we were both missing things in the relationship without anyone to blame. There are things i would ask you to work on and there are things you would ask me to work on. 

I should have also worked harder to improve myself since the transplant. I was struggling with a lot of self-doubt, self-confidence, and physical issues around the medications. I didn’t want to sit and complain about it to you, so i bottled it up. Never a smart move. I have always struggled with self-esteem issues, but it had become so much worse with hair loss, weight gain, and scars that i couldn’t seem to fix. I think this definitely affected my feelings about being intimate or physical or even being out in public. That probably sounds stupid, but it doesn’t feel stupid. Working on this is my number one priority for the rest of the year. 

Maybe if I had shared what I was struggling with in my own head, then you could have shared what you were going through, and we could have been stronger in sharing on both sides. 

Couples should enjoy things together and still have their separate lives. I was happy you found a fun place to go and people you enjoy at Summerfox. But i slowly drifted to being a super homebody and not wanting to go out. I definitely lost part of myself, probably the fun interesting part that you liked in the beginning. This is why I suggested doing date nights many times. Not cringy, but a fun a way to reconnect or stay connected.We could have gotten creative. Or we could have gone on day/weekend trips, like Palm Springs for tiki bars.

Maybe we did drift apart or maybe we were just bored. I don’t think either of us is to blame, but I wish we could have worked on things together. I just know that I loved you more than anyone before and I still love you. 

Wednesday you showed real emotion and let out how you were really feeling about different things. You could have told me. I hope that you are dealing with those feelings now.

I miss your hugs and hearing “goodnight poopy.” I miss you and Toki. Piper misses both of you too.

You don’t need to respond or anything. This probably sounded very sappy and maybe even pathetic, but i had to get my thoughts out and share them. I can write things down so much easier than saying them. 

Love, Robyn

Hey, it has been strange living alone for a week and a half now.  I'm glad you decided to put your thoughts down in an email.  I'm sure it was very therapeutic.  I'm sorry things didn't work out.  I'm sorry I didn't think we had a future together.  And although we had our ups and downs, and shared some fun memories together, I think I've known for some time that there was a shelf life to our relationship and it was hard for me to pretend that there wasn't.  And then if I ever thought about ending things, it made me sad, and depressed, and I guess I just couldn't ignore those thoughts.  I'm not saying any of this to be hurtful, I'm just trying to give you more answers.

I really hope you can work through any self-confidence issues.  I hope you can make local friends and get out of the house more.  I think you really need to get more comfortable going out into public social settings.  Put yourself out there in awkward unfamiliar settings so you can get used to it a little better.  What you said about that doesn't sound stupid.  You may not think so, but I have self-esteem and physical insecurities every day.  I think everyone does.

I still love and care for you, and I do miss you and Piper.  The place feels so empty now.  After everything, I'm glad we had our time together.  I'm glad we enjoyed many trips to Disneyland and got a season pass together. I'm glad we had each other during the pandemic.  I'm glad I was able to be there for you for dialysis, and your new kidney, and when you lost your parents. Whether it's good or bad memories, I'm glad I still have them because you were a big chapter of my life and I would never want to forget a chapter of my life story.

And Quentin's theater is cool.  It's very tiny and the screen is too.  I drove up Friday at 7 and got there about 10:45.  I left Hollywood at about 230am and got home just before 6am.  It was rough.  I got a printed calendar, and bought a Cliff Booth button and a keychain, and they even played trailers and a stuntman featurette before the movie.  You should make it down there sometime.

Thanks for sending me an email.  You can always message me on Facebook messenger if you want to.  If you feel the need to distance yourself from me and my social media, I completely understand.  Pet Piper for me and I'll pet Toki for you. :)

NOT SENDING - 4/12/2024

Dear Matthew, 

I still don’t really understand what went through your head during our time together. I don’t understand why you dont see a future with me or what exactly made you realize that. I wish I understood or I wish you had told me sooner. 

I know people should be happy that a relationship occurred, but when you get hurt so badly it is hard to see it that way. I loose out on you, toki, your family, disneyland, etc. It is just difficult and weird right now. 

You were my best friend and my boyfriend. Maybe we werent a 100% amazing match but i felt happy and enjoyed spending time with you.

Things He Said:

• Want different things (marriage & house)

• He wants to go out and go to shows

• Grew apart

• No fixing it

• Didn’t see a future with me

• Relationship had a shelf life

• I don’t have friends

• Home was too boring

• Annoying childish voice

• We just sat around on our laptops

Lacking in Relationship

• Never asked about my day

• Rare or never complimented me

• Didnt want to buy a house

• Didnt want to get married

• No travel. Only Disneyland

• Not willing to try different foods or restaurants

• Did not motivate me to do anything

• Made me feel bad about my hearing

• No deep conversations

• Said I was a poor listener for my listening style

• What if he never wanted to move in with me

• Every time I asked for help with dexcom, he acted annoyed

Anger

 Today I just felt anger about him. He said some incredibly hurtful things while breaking my heart. He said was pretending to be happy with me. I don't know for how long. How do you say that kind of thing to someone you continued to say "I love you" to. What is wrong with you? If you were so fucking unhappy with me that you didn't even want to come home at night, why didnt you say anything? why didnt you just dump me? I don't understand and I never will. 

I was so in love with this person, unconditional love. I cared about them, how they felt, what they wanted and needed. If they had cared about my feelings like they said they did, they would have acted differently. Handled things better. 

For months, I thought you would show up and apologize. Realize that we were good together and make some romantic gesture. Why would I think that? You were obviously over whatever we once had. You had grown tired of me and resentful. 

I deserve more from someone. I have to remind myself of that, every single day. 

My Heart Still Hurts

Healing from heartbreak is really hard and takes a long time. It has been 5 months and two weeks since everything fell around me...again. I still don't understand what happened. 

- No cute nicknames

- Prioritized his job

- Not invested in us

- Never voiced his unhappiness or tried to fix things

- Didn't come for transplant

- Never planned any dates

- Didn't do anything special for my birthdays

- Never wanted to go out to eat

- Didn't post pictures of us for like 4 years

- Not interested in traveling

- Picky eater

- Not appreciative of nice things I did

- Wouldn't hold my hand without asking

- No flowers

- Kind of messy

- Never asked about my day or how I was feeling

Learn to be Alone

 The pain, tears, and grief that I have felt after each breakup do not feel worth it any longer to even pursue relationships. I thought I was a good partner in all three relationships, especially with MC. But it did not matter to them. They still found reasons to leave me and never speak to me again. I did not cheat or lie or do anything hurtful. 

All I want is to be with someone that loves me and wants to put in effort as a partner. But I also do not want to suffer through pain after they get tired of me. Or they want something different.

How would I even tell a new partner about everything that comes along with being with me? I have so many physical scars, medical issues, hearing aids, dead parents...just too much trauma. Most people won't want to deal with one of those things, let alone all of them. I have self confidence issues with all of them. I don't want to deal with them, so why would someone else? That is why I understand what EC did so many years ago. If you didn't have to deal with kidney disease, why would you? I would fucking leave too.

I need to figure out how to be happy in this life with all of the bullshit on my own. I do not know how to do that yet. 

I am working on things to help: 

- Therapy

- Journaling

- Self Love Book

- Moving my body

- Exercise

- Book Clubs

- Local adventures

- Possibly adding more hours at work

Benefits of being single:

- Eat what and when I want

- Pick my home decor

- Home fragrance

- Movie & TV choices

Removing the Pedestal

 Still alone and having lots of feelings. I just do not understand how or why he did what he did. I never will. I loved this person so fucking much. I was there for them, supported them, asked about their day, asked about their feelings when they were quiet, and suggested things to do or try, but no they were just silent. I tried. I made an effort to create a loving & caring environment. Did they notice? I don't know. They never showed appreciation for most things I did. I did it because I loved them so much. 

My heart is still heavy every fucking day. I wonder if he is sad at all or if he feels bad for hurting my feelings. I won't ever know the answer to so many things with him and I struggle with that. I thought we had a great relationship. Sure there were small things I overlooked, but apparently he was picking my small things apart and holding them to use against me. 

I thought I was being a pretty good girlfriend. But if something important was bothering them about me or us, they never said anything. How was I supposed to know? Don't pretend to love me and continue saying that you do when you really don't. That is so goddamn unfair to me. I have had enough unfair things in life for you to be messing with my feelings. 

Right now I am stuck between no one will ever love me again and all I want is to be loved. It is horrible. I have so many self-conscious issues about my body and about my personality because these men just keep breaking my heart. I am insecure. I have no trouble saying that out loud. Is someone going to love me and put out the effort to stay with me someday? Is someone able to look past my scars, hearing aids, pills, insulin, bruises, and trauma to love me for me?

Yes, I have a lot of issues with myself that I need to work through and I am putting that effort out. I know that I am not a bad person and I have been through way too much shit the past 8 years. I really just want a pleasant life with someone else. I don't think that is too much to ask for.

You Said Nothing

You had doubts about us long ago and said nothing. 

You lost feelings for me and said nothing. 

I asked you questions and you said nothing. 

Even with a million opportunities, you still said nothing. 

You didn’t even say the words, you said nothing. 

I had to do something about. 

I had to break my own fucking heart because you said nothing. 

You ruined everything with had together for more than five years because you said nothing and did nothing. 

Reminders of Them

The title of today's blog is a play on words from Colleen Hoover's "Reminders of Him." This morning I was watching Michelle & Barack Obama's speeches from the Democratic National Convention. I was actually feeling hopeful, like Michelle mentioned. I feel like everyone is much more excited about this election now that Kamala Harris is the nominee instead of Biden. I'm actually a little excited. Election time reminds me of people and it is hard. 1. I remember the first time Barack Obama won, I was at home. My dad cried, he almost never cried, because a black man had just won the election. He was born in the 1951 so this was huge. 2. I moved to Arizona, thinking my life would be forever changed with KA, on Election Day in 2016. How wrong I was and so was the country to elect that awful Cheeto man. 3. My mom passed on Election Day in 2020. 4. This year for Election Day I will be in Hawaii with my aunt. Hopefully it will be a great day and a great election.

Yesterday I was having a lot of mixed feelings about MC. Today, I just feel sad about him again. I really wish things have been different. But I also realize now that he did not appreciate me and wasn't invested in us life I was.  The really bad thoughts also keep creeping in. 

Examples include: 

- him was never in love with me, he just liked my company and didn't know where to end it

- he broke up with me because I got fat and boring

- he broke up with me for sex

- he was using me the whole time and got sick of me

- maybe he never wanted to live with me but didn't want to say no

- maybe he found someone else and wouldn't tell me

Things that make me feel better on hard days:

- morning walks

- blogging

- utilizing my planner

- cleaning the house

- happy mail

Sad Saturday Shares

 Woke up feeling pretty down again about him. Then I had to keep dealing with Xfinity. I am tempted to text him about and even be a nice person to let him know he is paying way more than I was paying for us before. I don't need to do that. I don't need to be nice to him. Just like when I told my therapist I wanted to send him a birthday text in October. She said "no, I dont think you should do that. you do not owe him your time or your kindness anymore."

I have always had a hard time disconnecting with people. Friends or relationships. Five plus years is a long time. 65 Months, I counted the other day. We lived together. I thought we got a cat together, but I guess she was always mine. How do you just stop liking someone that is in your life that much? I can't understand that.

He was there for me when I did dialysis.

He was still by my side after transplant.

He was there when both of my parents died.

I went through so much and he was always right there to comfort me. I felt like I could get through all of that shit because I had him. It was okay that I didnt look the same because he was still there. It was sort of okay that I didn't my parents because I had him and his family. 

But he did not feel this. He got tired of me or bored or whatever. I have a feeling he didn't want me anymore because of the things I don't even like about myself. That is painful. But he didn't speak up. He did try. He just stopped. He didnt even breakup with me. He made me do it for us. 

It's been five months and two days. I still feel destroyed sometimes.