This is probably my longest post so far. Leave a comment about your week, if you get to the very end. Thanks for reading :)
This week has been another challenging one, obviously from the other posts. I have had so many thoughts and feelings about everything I have been going through, what is to come, and what will never be. Being an over thinker sure is difficult.
Weekends - I used to look forward to the weekends, mostly because that is when we would go out to do fun things or sometimes go to Santa Cruz. Last year we didn't really do much of anything on weekends. I would ask if he wanted to do anything and he would say no. I would suggest some things or ask if he wanted to go somewhere new for fun lunch and he would say no. I foolishly, looking back, thought this was because he was tired from work since it was a chaotic year. Now, with all of my knowledge, I think he just didn't want to go places with me or speak to me or something. Actually I have no idea what he was feeling or thinking. Again, communication is key in any relationship.
Now I don't really look forward to the weekends, but I am making an effort to go do fun things or at least things I enjoy. Last weekend, Saturday was a cozy day reading because it was very rainy in the morning and Sunday I went downtown for a movie and lunch. It was lovely, but probably would have been more fun with someone. I have to get used to it. I have to get used to eating places alone, the movies isn't a problem. Tomorrow I will do the same thing, movie and lunch. Sunday is Mother's Day so I am going to go do something out in nature and probably grab Mr. Pickles or something similar.
Mother's Day - This week has been even harder this week because Sunday is Mother's Day and her birthday is next Tuesday. I lost my mom in November of 2020. She was not the same person I grew up with for a very long time. Fuck Parkinson's Disease or other neurological diseases that rip that person away from you piece by piece. It is something worse than awful watching that person become someone else and something else. I miss that smart, gentle woman who would always fall asleep watching tv with me.
I have had some amazing mother figures in my life as well. I appreciate all of them for what they have given me and the love that they have provided. Most recently, during the breakup, I realized I would lose that family and that mother figure as well. Not because she passed but because the person I loved decided to take it away from me. That is probably not how they saw it or even thought about it. But that is what it feels like for me. I had gained this family through my relationship. I had spent the last five years attending holidays, birthdays, super bowls, a wedding, and even trips/vacations with them. Now I won't see them ever again. Just occasional messages on Facebook...maybe. Just another thing to grieve.
Work - I really love my boss and our small but mighty team. Right now I am doing intake and referrals for our fall program. I actually enjoy this for the most part. Most of the social workers are very friendly and know what they are doing, but occasionally there are some that don't know jack shit about their job or their clients. It drives me nuts. One completely wasted my time today. But oh well, just focus on the good ones which is the majority. I work mostly remote with some days in the office, must more now that I live about an hour away. I went to the office Thursday to help sort things, which was kind of nice. I was struggling with pushing him out of my mind that day. I cried the entire drive from Sausalito to Santa Rosa.
New Home: I do like my apartment, neighborhood, and my new area. It was a bit warm yesterday and today, but not as bad as Fresno. I liked Fresno, it was my home for 10 years (mostly.) But it just felt too hot and too sad to stay there. From my new place, I can walk downtown and there is a trail right by my complex. Both are pretty freaking nice.
My People: I really do have some great people in my life that care about me. Sometimes when you are really struggling it can be easy to feel alone. I am not alone. I always have family and friends and even instagram friends to reach out to. My sister sent me lots of pictures yesterday to distract me through a serious meltdown. My best friend called me to chat on her way home work. My other friend texts me all the time about all sorts of stuff. People I have been friends with on Instagram and ever even met in person check in with me to see how I am doing. It's amazing how nice and caring some people still are in this world. I appreciate all of them so much. Thank you if you're reading this blog <3
Entertainment: I have always loved movies. I have somewhat recently started loving reading too. I feel like movies were what really brought he and I together. I connect so many movies with him now like Forgetting Sarah Marshall (I saw your Letterboxd post, you can explain it to me.) So I have trying to pick out movies that do not make me think of him. I am currently watching the Lord of the Rings trilogy. I watch it like every 9 years probably. Max is playing ads for The Iron Claw and a Talking Heads special every commercial break, so thanks for that fucking Max. EVERY SINGLE COMMERCIAL BREAK.
Writing: Writing is helping me so much right now. I am wiring in this blog, in a physical journal, in my Notes app, in a planner, and some Instagram posts. I don't think I am amazing writing or anything, but it feels great just to write everything down. It is a good way to process things and just get it the fuck out of your system. In the planner and journal I bought, I have been decorating them with stickers. It is a great creative outlet and just focus on making stuff pretty. I have purchased things from Happy Planner, Live Love Posh, Rongrong, and Archer & Olive. Live Love Posh has the best florals and themed stickers books. I love them. I have spent too much money on all of the supplies, but it is helping me and it is fun so I don't really care. I have found a great YouTube channel with tons of fun ideas and great chats about life, trauma, design, and more. She has been through some similar things as me and it has really helped listen to her talk about trauma, death, breakups, healing, etc. I don't know who reads this blog, but feel free to leave a comment if you are :)
Break Up: This is still painful. I do not know when it won't be. I am too many thoughts and feelings about the whole thing. Too many questions that will never be answered. Too many happy memories that I don't want to think about and too many things I was looking forward to doing together in the future. I do not know what about me changed in his eyes. I wish I had talked to me. I would have done many things to stay together and make it work. I thought we had built and were building a nice life together. Just us and our kitty girls. I considered myself a good girlfriend, but it wasn't enough for him to want me or to fight for me. That is such a painful thing. He had already decided he didn't want to be with me but I have to learn to accept that while I cry. I just want a comforting hug from the person that hurt me the most. How fucked up is that. I wish we could have worked on ourselves and worked on our relationship to make it stronger, not break it completely forever. We were together for long time. I don't think I will ever get over him. But I have to figure out how to move on from him and try to be grateful for the time we shared. Which feels impossible. I can't even archive our Instagram pictures. It feels like betrayal or something. Which makes no sense either. My attachment to him was so much stronger than his attachment to me, apparently.
Sometimes I feel ridiculous for still being this level of sad about a breakup. But again, five plus years together is a long time. He was there for me through so much trauma and grief that I had to deal with. He said he loved me even after we broke up. He still loved and cared about me and missed me. Then why aren't we together? I know there is more to it, but I still don't understand and I don't think I will. I am just so hurt. Were there things I wanted more of or less of in our relationship? Sure. But I loved him so I didn't really care. I miss him. I miss our life together. I miss feeling comfort of home with him.
I don't know how he feels now. Maybe I don't want to know. He destroyed me to make himself happier in life. Maybe he didn't need to do that. Maybe he is happy now. I am not going to ask, because it would hurt.
I was really looking to Giants baseball this spring. I'm glad he went to a game with his dad. But I wanted to go with him this year. I was looking forward to a lot of things.
Self Confidence: I have never been a confident person. I was the most anything. I was never the most beautiful, the most funny, the most fun, the most smart, the most anything. I have just been me. Kind of bitter sometimes, kind of mean, kind of chubby, kind of just there. Ten years ago, I started regularly going to the gym. I wasn't as chubby and I gained some self confidence because I looked sort of cute. Then I started having health problems. I had to have surgeries that always leave ugly scars. IIgained all the weight back that I lost. have to take lots of pills every day. I use insulin needles twice a day that can leave bruises. I have to wear a Dexcom. I now have to wear hearing aids. I seem like a chronic 75 year old, not someone who should be living their best life in their mid thirties. I feel like someone took away a care free life from me and I never deserved that. But that isn't life. That is just a thought from someone has lived through a bit too much crap. I am not a bad person, but all of these physical issues are life long, and make me wonder who exactly can look past those and love me. My illness and the side effects that have come along with it are not my fault. I sometimes break down, but I usually handle them quite well. Someone else should be able to support me, encourage me, and love me through all of it. Where is that person? Do they exist? Or am I destined to a life alone romantically speaking?
I need to work on this and I know that. I get movement almost every day. I am very good about going on walks. But I need to do more. I need to make the gym a priority so that I can lose some weight, gain muscle, and get some of that self confidence back. It would be nice to look in the mirror and not think "yuck" most days. I am always puffy (partially from crying so much) and I don't know how to dress my chubbiness in cute ways. Exercise always gives you more energy and helps with endorphins to feel happier. Get off your ass and make it a priority most days of the week. Walks on the trail are great, but you need more.
New Friends: I have never been great at making new friends. I used to be kind of an asshole I think. So people would either like me or not. It was that easy for them. I am definitely an introvert but also thrive on some social interaction. I do not like bars and I don't drink. Kind of ruins some of wine country, but whatever. It also counts of bars for meeting new people. I don't really talk to strangers, but I guess I could learn that skill a bit. I joined a book club with Jessica, signed up for another virtual bookclub with Macy, and join two groups on MeetUp. Maybe I can branch out a little bit, but I also know my capacity for crowds and locations. I just don't know where adults make friends other than work, church, or married friends...
Personal Growth: I am working on myself, slowly. I am journaling and trying to focus on mostly good things and gratitude. I have been going on a lot of walks outside, taking pictures while I do to "romanticize my life." I need to start going to the gym, like I said. I want to be happier and have a better view of myself for longer happiness than right now.
Life Goals: All I want it to be fucking happy. I was happy with him, until he wasn't. Why did he not want to work to build a better life with me? That didn't need to include marriage. I just wanted to be with him.I did not chose to be single, yet again. I did not chose to have multiple chronic illness and have to deal with that for the rest of my life. I haven't chosen a lot of things in my life. I just have to go through them.
A lot of people make five year, ten year, or longer life goals for themselves. I have never been like that. Always a little confused about what to do with life, no real direction or dreams. Also life can change in an instant, so what is the point of having every thing planned out in life. In might not work out. Even now with all this time on my hands, I can't think of a life goal except to not be sad. You cannot plan to be happy forever or never be sad. That is impossible. But I can try to live a drama free life the best the I can. Create small moments of joy throughout time. I am alone, without a partner, so I can do what I want when I want. But I don't like being alone 100% of the time and I know that about myself. But I also currently struggle with everything I said about self confidence. I need to "fix" myself inside and somewhat outside before even attempting to find love outside again. I need to love myself for who I am. That sounds so cheesy when you write it down or read it out loud. I want to be the healthiest, happiest version of myself that I can be. I have to figure out how to be that on my own. That can change everyday too.
I ask myself a lot of questions about what I might want, but I still do not know the answers. Do I want a dog? Do I want another cat? Do I want to buy a house? Do I want to live in Sonoma county forever? Do I want to travel alone? Do I want to get married some day? What do I want to be in ten years?
Inner Peace: What is inner peace? What does it mean to each person? What does it feel like? How do I find it and maintain it?