I don't know who is reading my posts, if anyone, but I am going to keep writing them. It helps me. Maybe it helps someone else out there in the world.
Today was the perfect rainy morning. I love rainy days where you just want to bundle up with a good candle and a book. That is exactly what I did. I warmed Almond Croissant, created a new journal spread that was actually a book tracking with fall vibes, and read the second half of Suicide Med by Freida McFadden. Literally the worst book I have read by her. It wasn't awful, but it need to be more streamlined or something. Seven different perspectives was a bit much. Plus what was the story with Abe?
Then I fell down breakup sadness rabbit hole. I still have so many questions for him that will never answered. I cannot seem to help myself but think about him and what happened between us. I am an over thinker with a big heart. I am overly emotional. And I can never shift my thoughts enough to completely forget something.
When we got together everything felt so wonderful and easy. It was amazing. I remember him saying something about me making him happy and taking him out of depression, or something. Now it seems like I am the thing that made him depressed again. How fucked up. Maybe I was just a crutch, a temporary fix for him to feel better. Again, that feels fucked up. I hope that isn't true.
Maybe he was not 100% what I needed, but while we were together it seemed like he was. He made me happy and feel a sense of calm when I needed it. That is what was important. This person made me feel good. A little more affection, romance, compliments, or empathy would have been nice. I just thought to myself that that's not who he was as a person. Maybe that's true. Or maybe he just didn't know I needed those things from my partner.
How could this person stick by me through so many things and then decide along the road that he did want me in a romantic way or see a future with me. What did I do? What didn't I do? Why did you stop wanting me? Why didn't you want to fix things with me? Why wasn't I enough for you? What made me not desirable after so long? Were you ever in love with me? What do your parents think happened? Do you miss me? Was I just not fun enough?
I have to keep telling myself that I tried my best that I knew how to do in the moments of our relationship. How could I know what was bothering him if he never opened up to me? I feel like I asked enough questions and left space for us to be open. Other people have told me that I am a good listener, but apparently he didn't think so.
I thought we were building a life together. We got an apartment that I found and made appointments for. We got a cat. I thought that if I provided a comfortable place to live, kept it clean, helped as much as I could with general things, said I love you and other sweet things that he would appreciate me. I loved him and I told him often. He said it back every time. I also felt like I showed interest in things he liked, like wrestling or tiki mugs. I felt like I did put out the effort for him to love and appreciate me, of course I could have always done more in other areas. I did the best that I could with the knowledge and capacity that I had. So..again, I had no way to know what he was thinking.
Maybe I lost a little bit of myself during the time we were together. I don't think it had to do with him. I went through so much. My body changed dramatically, I lost my parents, the pandemic, other health issues keep coming up. He was there and made me feel better everyday, but he also did not seem 100 attentive or understand to all of that. I lost self confidence with how much my body changed post transplant and with the new joys of diabetes. I gained weight back, my skin changed, my hair fell out, I always have bruises. That is rough on a person, especially for a girl.
On top of all of that, I thought my hearing issues were the problem in the relationship. It did cause problems and annoyances between use. But how could I possibly think that was the root of it? Now I have to deal with hearing aids for the rest of my life. He is probably happy or relieve that he doesn't have to deal with that with me.
Sometimes I feel bad that I left a lot of stuff behind. Things he bought me. His love language was obviously giving gifts, even small ones. But I did not want things that reminded me of happy times together. I also don't think I should feel bad after his dishonesty and lack of communication. Him having to deal with all of those toys and things seems like a punishment almost for not telling me how he was feeling for so long. It's weird. I still feel kind of bad. I do wish I had brought my plants and the outdoor table with me. I wish I had brought a lot of things.
Last year we were lazy on the weekends. I thought he was tired and stressed from work. Maybe he just didn't want to go out and do things with me. He was already having doubts. It is so painful that he was having doubts about us for a long time but never shared. I thought things were fine and he is just simmering in his own head about how much I doesn't want to be with me. Again, why?
Rejection from anyone can be uncomfortable. But when it was the person that still says I love you everyday and stood by you through the worst times of your life, I feel like that is a different kind of discomfort. It is painful.
Maybe he is happy with this decision. Maybe he is already moving on a hooking up with other girls that I hotter and better in bed than me. Maybe he really did need time alone to figure himself out. I have no idea. I want to talk to him, but I stop myself from texting, emailing, or calling every single day. I still miss him everyday. I miss feelings of comfort and belonging and love. I miss the other cat. It's been like six weeks since our breakup that he didn't even have the bravery to say "I'm breaking up with you." I had to ask him what was going on in his head and drag it out of him. He said things that hurt my feelings. He said things that I didn't fully understand.
What also hurts in such an overwhelming way is that I felt like his family was now my family. Of course I have my sister and other family if I ever needed support with things. I know they love me. But feel like an orphan since I lost both of my parents. His family had always treated me like family. I thought he was my family and that his parents were my substitute parents in the best way. I also enjoyed his extended family. I looked forward to holidays and birthday and even the Super Bowl. All of that is lost for me. He should not sacrifice his own happiness to stay with me so that I kept this, but I do wonder if he even thought about that for me....I even want to wish his mom a happy Mother's Day next weekend. She is not my mom, but I was lucky to have her while I did.
I made the decision to leave. I don't know what he thought I was going to do. I got on my computer and my phone, then found an apartment for my cat and I in a completely new area with better weather. Why would I stay in Fresno? That place now represents so many mixed emotions. Multiple heartbreaks by men, jobs, and heath. Will this new place bring more happiness? Maybe it will. I like it so far. Everything is closer together, the weather is nicer, it's prettier, the ocean is so much closer, and downtown is only a mile walking distance away. I also love the view from my patio. It's beautiful and always has the best lighting at sunset.
I am still sad and get upset easily about everything. I would have fought for our relationship to keep him. Losing him without a choice or my opinion being taken into consideration will always be painful. But maybe I am not meant to find love with a man. This is the third massive heartbreak. Two of them are happy with other women, which is great for them but what about me. Am I a bad person? Do I deserve all of the shit I have been through for something I did? I don't remember being an awful person, maybe a little rude at times. I thought each of these people were "the one" while we were together. That feels so naive now. I don't believe in soul mates, the one, or really the love of your life. If you find someone you love and that both of you are willing to work to keep things fresh, then hold onto it. That is not that same as romanticized bullshit from movies and books. Life is so much more complicated than all of that. People are so much more complex than that.
If I ever do find love again, I know I need someone that is comfortable showing their emotions and communicating openly. I would also like someone that enjoys trying new foods, loves movies, maybe likes reading, definitely has to enjoy cats and dogs, and likes some outdoor adventures. But what I would really love is someone that is supportive, empathetic, understand, and gives compliments even when I am feeling down. Maybe not a collector of trinkets, not that there is anything wrong with that.
It will take a long time to heal. It was more than five years together. We texted or saw each everyday, I think. That is a lot to disconnect from. Everything takes time. Be sad if you need to be sad. Be a little angry even.
Tomorrow I will do yoga, make a yummy breakfast, journal, go to a movie, and go to lunch. I am going to walk downtown for the movie and lunch, which is healthy. It is important that I focus on doing a good job at work with referrals, stay focused on keeping everything updated. I also need to focus on health habits and hobbies. Get your booty to the gym, cardio, strength, yoga. They are all important for your mind and body. Close your rings. Keep journaling as much as you feel like it. The stickers make it fun and creative. Read, watch movies, play with piper. Don't forget to keep the house clean, nothing feels better than a clean house.
I really wish we could have worked on ourselves and worked on relationship to make it stronger, not end it. But again, I do not know what he was thinking for such a long time and that isn't fair to me. What I need to do is stop blaming myself for things I have no control over. I need to figure out what I love in life and what kind of life I really want to live for myself. I know that I want an easier life than the last eight years. I don't want any more health problems to pop up and surprise me. I just want to be as healthy as I can with what I already deal with. Simple right? I doubt it.
Right now I just want to stop being sad. You can be happy alone. Just figure it out.