The weekend was rough. I was upset pretty much the entire time. I was upset about the breakup and Mother's day. I am stuck in a cycle of grief in my life. It feels impossible to find my way out right now.
I am still very heartbroken about the end of my relationship. The questions keep going through my head. But last night when I was trying to focus on a book, a new emotion came up. I was angry with him for a little bit. How could he not tell me what he had been thinking for such a long time? He sat in the same apartment with me for months thinking he wanted to end things but did not tell me and did not try to fix anything? How is that fair to me? Were you lying to yourself or just me? Why didn't you want to work on us together?
I also became suddenly angry about the apartment. I found that apartment because we needed a place to stay. I made sure we could get appointments with his work schedule. I kept the apartment clean. I decorated the bathroom tiki for him. I made the apartment feel like a home. I feel like he kicked me out of that home and did not apologize for that part or offer to financially pay me back for the extra rent I had paid for months, maybe a year.
My feelings are incredibly hurt by everything that you did. I feel like I was in fight and flight mode while being crushed. Now I am just crushed and trying everything I know how to do to move past these feelings. But I think I just have to be sad for a while. Five plus years with someone is a long time. Especially when they were the person I looked to through all of the trauma I went through during that time. I won't understand what went through his head.
How could you support someone through dialysis, multiple surgeries, two major deaths, and just lose feelings for them without talking about it or trying to improve anything? How???
I wrote this sometime last week:
We started as strangers
We fell into each other quickly
You became my comfort, my joy, my home, my everything
You made me feel safe and wanted
Now I feel like you couldn’t stand the sight of me
I look back at moments together and wonder what I could have done better
Would it have made a difference
Why am I blaming myself so much
You should have spoken up or tried to fix things
We are strangers again
You made us strangers