Morning
It has been two months since we had "the conversation." I feel so broken inside still. Every single day is difficult. I thought I had found my person in life. I should have expressed that more and asked them what they needed and wanted from me. I had trouble with difficult conversations, and so did they apparently. I miss what we had and I am grieving what we won't do in the future. I feel so lost right now.
It is also the third anniversary of getting P. This feels so fucking bittersweet. I thought she was our girl. Maybe that was never true. Maybe she was always just mine. I miss the cats together. I miss all four of us together. What did he think every time I called us a little family? Was it "cringe"? I thought we had created a home and our version of a family.
I made a therapy appointment for tomorrow online. I have only gone to therapy twice before and did not enjoy either appointment. The first was in college when I was really upset about my mom's Parkinson's. It was weird because the counselor also had Parkinson's. what are the chances? the second time was a mandatory appointment for transplant evaluation in Arizona.
But I feel like I am struggling too much to attempt to handle it alone anymore. I have been doing everything I can think of to feel better. It doesn't feel like anything is working. I feel consumed by sadness and loneliness. I feel like a piece of shit no one wants to keep in their life. Everything is exaggerated by being alone. I feel very depressed and that is not an exaggeration.
Evening
Today was hard the whole time. I kept thinking of him and our life that we no longer share. How could it be over? How could I not have a say in the matter? That is not fair to me. I am amazed by who you became in the end and it hurts.
It has been two whole months and I still cannot believe it is over. We spent a long time and a lot of time together for it to just end. I still have questions that I doubt will ever get answered.
How do you move on from such a long and meaningful relationship that ended without your choice? What do you do with everything and all of the pictures? How do you look back and feel grateful instead of sad?
Back to P. I love her so much and I am so glad to have her here with me. I am still sad about missing the other cat and I think she is too. P wonders around sometimes and it seems like she is looking for her big sister. It is so sad. That little kitty has been through so much in her three years.
I felt better after talking to some friends my sister today. I also felt better after scheduling a therapy consult appointment for tomorrow afternoon. I feel hopeful that she can help me work through some of my grief and other issues. I am also not sure what to expect and I know I will get nervous. I think the other person in this breakup needs therapy too, but who is telling him? Not me. I think therapy can help anyone, once they find the right kind.
Things I want help with in therapy: grief, heartbreak, death, self confidence, and new coping skills.I have been through a lot the last eight years: illness, surgeries, death, major heartbreaks. I have never had good self esteem or self confidence. I would like help dealing with the feelings that along with all of this.