It is so bizarre to spend all of your time with someone for the last five plus years and have it suddenly end. I have struggled the last three months with feelings of sadness, loss, blame, worthlessness, and much more. I thought we had something special and would be together much longer, but I practically broke up with myself that nice. I will never understand him or what went through his head because he never spoke up. I had to ask him what was going on with him. I had to push him.
It has hard dealing with rejection. But while looking back there were things I wanted from him that I did not get. I wish we could have worked together to strengthen our relationship, but it wasn't up to me. Maybe my friends and new therapist are right that was/is depressed. If he had given up on himself, then there wasn't really a giving up on us. It is still difficult to understand.
I am trying to hold space in my heart and mind for the relationship we had together. We had fun and we cared about each other. I know that is true, even if my anxiety says it isn't sometimes. It ended very badly and that is his fault. He should have done a lot of things, but maybe he just didn't know how.
Time and conversations with other people are helping. I really like therapy so far. It will be a long process to heal from the break, all of the breakups, and my traumatic past few years.
After watching my sister and my friend with their spouses, it makes me realize there were things missing that I would like in a relationship.
- Effort
- Communication
- Honesty
- Romance
- Consideration
- Gratitude
- Appreciation
- Animal Lover
- Understanding
- Empathetic
- Caring
- Funny
- Travel
- Open