6/19/2024
Today in therapy we talked about KA a lot in therapy today. We went into the history of us going back to high school and being friends with Little B. We also talked about messaging Kyle at some point to just reflect on us, let him know that I am proud of him, how sorry I am about J, and wish him all goods things in life. It was a big blow to see that he is now engaged, especially to a woman with kids.
We also talked about MC & KA both being afraid or unable to communicate what was going on in their own heads. They were both unhappy, maybe depressed, with their current places in life. They both made plans to end things with me but did not speak to me about fixing issues or letting me know that they were unhappy. Maybe me being sensitive makes them not want to speak up. "Feeling they might crush me" by talking about things, it could be easier to breakup and move along.
Communication from both parties in the relationship are important. It is important that I need to speak up in the beginning of the next relationship that I am sensitive and might get hurt feelings sometimes, but i do want to have difficult conversations about things and the relationship to be able to work through things together. I want to work on my communication skills, good and bad, in therapy. I feel like I am lovable but I do get sensitive and maybe fragile.
I want to be open and honest with a partner about all things, even through difficult issues.
Things I want to work on in therapy:
- Self Esteem
- Confidence
- Positivity
- Illness
- Parents Deaths
- Communication Skills
- How to show appreciation
- How to be completely open and honest about difficult topics
Homework: Okay…page 32 of the book. Make a power playlist. I want you to create one and then when we meet I want to hear all about out why those songs. Goal is for these songs to inspire you to be the best version of you or remind you of your qualities or get you pumped up, and/or increase your assertiveness! Can’t wait to know what you pick! 💕 🎶 💕
5/20/2024
Today I had my first therapy appointment. We talked about the breakup, my family, and my parents.
Breakup: She asked about how we started dating, moving in together, and how quickly we both said love. We talked about a lot of things. Everything is already a blur. That hour goes by really quick. She made me feel better about questioning every little thing because that's just how people are. We talked about the reasons he said for ending the relationship and not telling me how he was feeling all of that time. But there are no real answers, just speculation from both of us. He did seem to "stockpile" (her word) little things that were bothering him about me or things that i had done. Why not speak up? Like fuck. Maybe he didn't want to hurt me, maybe he didn't want to feel like a failure, maybe he just changed what he wanted in a partner, maybe he didn't want a partner. It is so difficult to just have something so substantial end without knowing why and the other person not even giving me a chance. I still sometimes I hope he will change his mind, but I doubt that will happen and maybe we aren't as good as a fit as I thought. I don't know if I will ever stop questioning him or why he didn't want to improve our relationship. It was such a substantial amount of time together. Why?
She pointed out that it is good that I can look back to reflect on things in our relationship. I didn't like some things and obviously, M didn't like some things. I can try harder to be open with my communication, asking more in-depth questions, asking about their love language & their preferences with things, and compromising on things. I feel like I was too passive and maybe too "go with the flow" with things. I did what M wanted and let it go when he didn't want to do things I wanted. Speak up when I don't like things or I need more from the other person. Healthy reflection to improve things in the future.
Family: We discussed who my family is. Large or small? Small: immediate, and extended. Only a little discussion here right now.
Parents: I told her about each of my parents' personalities and my relationship with each of them. A bit about what I thought about their relationship. I also talked about each of their passing. I cried a lot when I talk about my dad. She related my dad's sudden death to M's sudden ending of the relationship. Interesting connection with the timing of things. I agree with her that I am feeling something similar with the suddenness of those two things.
Right now, I am not sure what I expect to get from therapy. I enjoyed talking to her last week in the consult and today. She is pleasant and understanding. I look forward to more sessions and seeing what comes out of it for me. While I am feeling sad and broken, I do think I could live a happier life.