Still alone and having lots of feelings. I just do not understand how or why he did what he did. I never will. I loved this person so fucking much. I was there for them, supported them, asked about their day, asked about their feelings when they were quiet, and suggested things to do or try, but no they were just silent. I tried. I made an effort to create a loving & caring environment. Did they notice? I don't know. They never showed appreciation for most things I did. I did it because I loved them so much.
My heart is still heavy every fucking day. I wonder if he is sad at all or if he feels bad for hurting my feelings. I won't ever know the answer to so many things with him and I struggle with that. I thought we had a great relationship. Sure there were small things I overlooked, but apparently he was picking my small things apart and holding them to use against me.
I thought I was being a pretty good girlfriend. But if something important was bothering them about me or us, they never said anything. How was I supposed to know? Don't pretend to love me and continue saying that you do when you really don't. That is so goddamn unfair to me. I have had enough unfair things in life for you to be messing with my feelings.
Right now I am stuck between no one will ever love me again and all I want is to be loved. It is horrible. I have so many self-conscious issues about my body and about my personality because these men just keep breaking my heart. I am insecure. I have no trouble saying that out loud. Is someone going to love me and put out the effort to stay with me someday? Is someone able to look past my scars, hearing aids, pills, insulin, bruises, and trauma to love me for me?
Yes, I have a lot of issues with myself that I need to work through and I am putting that effort out. I know that I am not a bad person and I have been through way too much shit the past 8 years. I really just want a pleasant life with someone else. I don't think that is too much to ask for.