The pain, tears, and grief that I have felt after each breakup do not feel worth it any longer to even pursue relationships. I thought I was a good partner in all three relationships, especially with MC. But it did not matter to them. They still found reasons to leave me and never speak to me again. I did not cheat or lie or do anything hurtful.
All I want is to be with someone that loves me and wants to put in effort as a partner. But I also do not want to suffer through pain after they get tired of me. Or they want something different.
How would I even tell a new partner about everything that comes along with being with me? I have so many physical scars, medical issues, hearing aids, dead parents...just too much trauma. Most people won't want to deal with one of those things, let alone all of them. I have self confidence issues with all of them. I don't want to deal with them, so why would someone else? That is why I understand what EC did so many years ago. If you didn't have to deal with kidney disease, why would you? I would fucking leave too.
I need to figure out how to be happy in this life with all of the bullshit on my own. I do not know how to do that yet.
I am working on things to help:
- Therapy
- Journaling
- Self Love Book
- Moving my body
- Exercise
- Book Clubs
- Local adventures
- Possibly adding more hours at work
Benefits of being single:
- Eat what and when I want
- Pick my home decor
- Home fragrance
- Movie & TV choices