Woke up feeling pretty down again about him. Then I had to keep dealing with Xfinity. I am tempted to text him about and even be a nice person to let him know he is paying way more than I was paying for us before. I don't need to do that. I don't need to be nice to him. Just like when I told my therapist I wanted to send him a birthday text in October. She said "no, I dont think you should do that. you do not owe him your time or your kindness anymore."
I have always had a hard time disconnecting with people. Friends or relationships. Five plus years is a long time. 65 Months, I counted the other day. We lived together. I thought we got a cat together, but I guess she was always mine. How do you just stop liking someone that is in your life that much? I can't understand that.
He was there for me when I did dialysis.
He was still by my side after transplant.
He was there when both of my parents died.
I went through so much and he was always right there to comfort me. I felt like I could get through all of that shit because I had him. It was okay that I didnt look the same because he was still there. It was sort of okay that I didn't my parents because I had him and his family.
But he did not feel this. He got tired of me or bored or whatever. I have a feeling he didn't want me anymore because of the things I don't even like about myself. That is painful. But he didn't speak up. He did try. He just stopped. He didnt even breakup with me. He made me do it for us.
It's been five months and two days. I still feel destroyed sometimes.