All I want is a hug from you to make things feel better or to text you to talk about us. But I won't. I have to strong, like usual.
I feel like I am doing literally everything in my power to feel better about what you did. I don't even hate you. I'm not even mad. Maybe it would be better for me if I was mad at you. I am just so fucking sad about everything. I loved you. Maybe you loved me, but obviously not enough to work on us together or even talk to me about whatever was bothering you. That isn't fair to me and you should understand that.
I moved. I've cried. I've skipped meals and pills and insulin out of pure sadness. I am burnt out. I just want to understand your choice more. Did I become too unattractive? too fat? too boring? too annoying? Why were you so mean that last week? I didn't doo anything wrong! I didn't cheat on you. I waited for you to come home in the evenings and I showed you love by doing nice things and asking about your day. But that wasn't enough. If it wasn't enough, you should have spoken up. I should have spoken up more about what I wanted from you, but I brushed things off and was too accommodating to your likes.
I keep thinking of bad things to pick apart and then I think of wonderful memories and everything fucking hurts. I don't know how to feel now and I didn't know how you felt then. I wish so much that you had wanted to figure things out together. Maybe those conversations would have been difficult, but we would have been better together. Not living separate lives as strangers now. I just dont understand.
I want to feel better, but I want to feel better with you. That isn't going to happen, is it? No. I have to figure out how to live and move on from you alone. completely alone. I dont know what to do right now. I am trying so goddamn hard to feel better and move on. I moved away, I go for walks, I do yoga, I journal, I read. I do things that should distract me. I even started seeing a therapist today. Maybe we could have done that together.
How do you spend that much time together and stick by my side through all of my fucking life shit, then just decide you don't want me anymore? I know you are not an asshole, but what you did by keeping all of your feelings inside and kind of stringing me along is kind of an asshole move. I loved you and I still love you and I would have helped you through anything. You didn't speak up. I am destroyed inside right now because of you. It still hurts the things you wrote in your email. But I keep going to that Saturday in march. You looked at me while I was packing and asked if I was okay. How could I be okay? How? I still cannot believe you asked me that.
The day I was leaving you finally opened up. You should emotion. I thought you were going to change your mind, but obviously you didn't. I do feel like you ruined everything, like you said. Maybe you shouldn't have done that. You should have talked to me. We could have figured things out together.
I keep having thoughts of you dating new people and bring people home. The apartment that I found for us. The apartment I took care. You. I took care of your stuff and made an effort to be great partner and you threw it all away. Why?
Then my brain goes to happy memories together and I am broken once again into tears. I cried on the bathroom floor earlier. I just got so fucking sad that I had to sit down. What about Santa Cruz? What about Disneyland? The Giants? You probably don't care like I do, but these things feel tainted for me now. Everything is in a tub in my closet because I can't bare to look at it. You probably aren't as sentimental as me.
I already miss your family and it's not even the holiday season. You took that away from me. It's your family and you should be happy. You shouldn't stay with someone if youre unhappy, I get that. but did you think about all of the impacts you were making on my fucking life?
This is repetitive to things I have said and written so many times over the last two months and you will probably never read it. The doubt that keeps slipping into my mind about our entire relationship is not fucking fair. Were you lying everytime you said I love you? Did you even want to move in with me? Why didn't you see a future with me? Why didn't you say anything about your feelings? If you were struggling with stuff, you could have talked to me!