Questions

All I can think about are the unanswered questions. 

Why didn't he speak up?

Why didn't he try to make things better?

What did I do wrong?

What could I have done better?

What exactly changed?

Why didn't he see a future with me?

Did my changing body make you stop loving me?

Would things have been different if I put more effort into my appearance?

Why wasn't I enough anymore?

Were you ever in love with me?

Why did I have to drag it out of you?

What the fuck was the last year of our lives together? 

Did you consider fixing things or just get stuck on one thing you didn't like about us?

Does he miss me?

Does he regret his decision?

Does he understand all the things that he took aware from me?

I thought that I tried to give you space to speak up, but nothing. You just withdrew and never let me know what you were thinking. This is so unfair to me. Now all I do is question our relationship, you, and then blame myself. Logic is gone. Heartbreak and sadness are the only things left. 

I am missing so many things right now because of what you did. Calm, belonging, peace, love, friendship, family. I wish I could just be happy that the relationship happened and we had good times. But right now it is just awfully hard to think about those good times without feeling miserable. 

Why does no one loves me like I love them? Or feel as attached as I do? No one fights to keep me. Am I that boring, ugly, simple, difficult? What exactly is it that people don't want to stick around for? 

I might as well just be alone forever. 

Heavy

I woke up feeling very heavy. Physically and mentally. My head hurts and it was hard to get out of bed. But I had to so I can do work today. 

 Below is a post from my instagram about grief. The best word I can describe grief is heavy.

"Tears are the silent language of grief." - Voltaire

I feel like I have been grieving someone or something every single day for the last eight years when my life changed forever with chronic kidney disease diagnosis. Grief is not just about death. Although I have had to grieve the death of people extremely close to me, there is more to it than that. I have been forced to grieve the healthy life of a young adult, my body, children I might have wanted (doubt it), breakups that I never expected, hearing loss, life without health wearables/devices, rejection, and more. It is incredibly difficult to deal with just one of these things, but life just keeps throwing me curveballs that I do not have a choice in. 

A grateful attitude and outlook on life is what I am trying to work towards every single day now. I am forever grateful for my living kidney donor and the life that has brought. But that is not a cure and it has brought on other challenges that I deal with daily, like becoming diabetic. I am trying to remember daily gratitude and trying to understand that my grief around everything is valid. All I can do is try to heal my broken body, heart, and mind. 

My almost daily tears right now are valid. 

Late Night Thoughts

 This gets personal...

t's not that late at night, but I am sitting alone in my apartment rewatching True Blood. I created this blog years ago when my life fell apart with illness and heartbreak. Well here I am again, with a broken heart. It is so painful and so much to get over, even considering everything else I have gone through the last four years, five years, eight years. It really makes a person question what they did to deserve all of the hard things.

I was so happy with him. I thought I had found my forever person. I had thought this before with someone else, but this lasted so much longer and was so easy to just be with him. He said he loved me despite all of the things insanely wrong with my body. He helped me through dialysis, transplant, other health issues that came along, and both of my parents dying. I went through so many life altering events the last 4 years. More than anyone 1 person should have to handle in such a short fucking period. But he was there for me. He calmed me down just by being present in my life. He was fun and always made me laugh. 

I thought things had gotten a little boring last year because he was always so busy working. I thought it was only a lull or a slump. Turns out he had lost feelings for me but did not tell me or open up when I asked him anything. 

But again, I learn that communication is the key to relationships. You can try to communicate the best that you know how. That does not mean that they will communicate or be open with you. Sure I could have done more in the relationship but I did not know there were issues because the other person never ever voiced them.  I feel like I did my best as a partner that I knew how if the moments together with the knowledge that I had 

It is incredibly painful for so many reasons. I feel like an orphan now that both of my parents are gone and my sister is so far away. This is not to say that I do have family that loves me. I really do. But I felt like I became part of his family. His parents were always so welcoming and loving towards me. I had a great sense of belonging with his family. Now that is gone. 

I also lose the comfort, love, friendship that came from our relationship together. I would have done so much to keep him, but he did not feel the same way and neglected to tell me this. Thinking everything is fine and hearing "I love you" everyday, then hearing the doubts and questions that lingered in his mind for however long is like the biggest punch in the gut ever. 

It was like our five plus years together never meant as much to him as it did to me. Which is fucking typical for me. I care so much about things and people. So much more than they ever do about me. I read an instagram post that said being sensitive is not a bad thing. It sure fucking feels like a bad thing. 

I guess I will never know what really went through his head. There are so many questions that I would like answered, but do I really?

Looking back on the time we spent together, there are things I would change. He never complimented me, didn't seem to appreciate anything I did around the house, never encouraged me to be more or showed any of his emotions until our last hour together saying goodbye. It is not really his fault that he is so closed off with his emotions, but maybe you could make an effort with your partner. I was there for you and I would have helped you through things. I wanted to be with you. Apparently you did not care as much. That hurts.

Maybe I am just so boring that no one wants to be with me for long. I just know what I like in life. I just want to go to the movies, try new restaurants, reading in the evening, occasional outdoor adventures, and chill at home. A mostly chill homebody who likes a tiny bit of adventure. 

No one is perfect and no relationship is perfect. But that is not what I ever asked for from anyone. 

Every relationship has a lesson to it. I don't know if each one has a different lesson. I feel like all of mine have been learn to communicate with your partner. But this is pointless if they chose or cannot communicate back. I think the lesson I need and what I need to learn is to stop being so passive. Speak up for myself when I need to. 

I cannot believe I got crushed again by someone I love. It has been so difficult and weeks of tears. I ended up moving to Santa Rosa a few days after. I like it so far. It feels fresh, but everything has been so difficult to just breath and wake up each morning. That probably sounds over dramatic but he was there for me during the hardest things I have experienced in my life. Then they just fall out of love with you without want to talk about or work through it. What did I mean to them in all that time?

On top of this heartbreak and a giant move to somewhere new alone, I was told I have moderate to severe hearing loss in both ears. I had to get hearing aids. I am 36 years old and I have to wear hearing aids for the rest of my life. It is nothing to be ashamed of but fuck me, can we quit it with the medical issues that you just have to deal with forever. I wear hearing aids, a Dexcom, and have about 15 surgical scars. I can't lose weight and my hair still looks sort of terrible. 

It is important for me to remember that I did not cause any of my health issues. It is not my fault. I have the strength to get through anything and everything related to my health. I have before and I can do it again. These issues also do not make me unlovable or worth less than other people. 

I am just another person in this world with too many feelings about everything and everyone that also suffers from self esteem problems. I have to figure out what makes me happy and what I really want in this life. I will struggle but not every day. 

For now I will focus on being happy and healing from things done to me by other people without my say. Maybe someday someone will want me, all of me for who I am. I want someone to fight to keep me. Not get bored and give up everything we have together. My body is beyond high maintenance but I am a low key person with lots of love to offer. 

Life is really fucking hard sometimes. It is important to remember and be grateful for the good things you have. I have a small handful of amazing friends, family that will always love me, a great boss and job, plus a wonderful weirdo kitty. Gratitude is also a weird thing with transplant life. Of course, I am so happy to have been given a second chance with a new kidney...but it came with a handful of other issues. Like becoming diabetic which is a huge fuck you. Oh well, you just deal with it. Just like everything else. The kidney is working beautifully. I have better test results than some non-kidney people! 

The end for now, from a broken hearted girl alone with her cat on the couch. 

2020 in a Nutshell - Never finished in November of 2020 & clicked publish in 2024

Most people can probably describe this year in one word: wow.

Yes, the whole world has been turned upside down and on it's side throughout this whole year. But holy shit, I have gone through so much. Enough for someone's entire life. So let's start at the beginning.

On December 31st 2019, I had to start hemodialysis at a center across town. It was HORRIBLE. In case you don't know what hemodialysis is, it is the cleaning of your blood through a fistula or a chest catheter. I have a AV Fistula in my left arm, which I had created in July of 2017. Dialysis, for me, lasted 3-3.5 hours three times per week on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. I hate every minute of dialysis. They say you will feel better, but I didn't notice. I would go home afterwards and just crash for hours. Awful, awful place. If you can avoid it, do. Then...Covid-19 became an issue.

Covid-19 became a safety precaution at dialysis with no visitors, masks (provided by the clinic), and temperature checks in late March. It made the process even worse than before. Wearing a mask for about four hours was very uncomfortable. But it did help me feel even more sympathetic to frontline healthcare workers. Have you seen how much PPE they wear? They have to wear that because the pandemic is fucking real and it is horrible. 

There were eventually shut downs and quarantines, which caused anxiety within a lot of people. It caused weird shortages at stores and the closures of businesses. It is STILL a huge issue across the whole world, but the United States has suffered quite a bit because of lack of leadership from señor Cheeto Puff. 

While still on dialysis in April or May (I cannot remember) I received a call from UCSF, who I hadn't heard from in months. I do know that I had a handful or two handfuls of people that had submitted their info to donate a kidney to me, but I figured everything was on hold due to Covid. The call was to tell me I had a matching donor. Queue in the shaking and tears in my eyes. 

My friend Sierra, from high school, had submitted her information to donate late in 2019. She had been testing and going through all of the necessary processes. I didn't even know! She was a match and they were calling to check my schedule! It was SO much information at once! Sierra and I eventually settled on June 30th, 2020. I was nervous and excited and had so many feelings! 

Eventually, we got to my last dialysis treatment. I still hated every fucking minute of it. But the end of June finally came! I had to go the Friday before surgery for information and Covid testing. Can I tell ya that is the worst test I have ever gone through?! The nurse, or whatever she was, shoved that giant swab into my brain. My nose even bled a little. Yikes. 

June 30th, 2020 I had too many emotions, as usual in hospitals or medical facilities. I freaked out in the pre-op. But eventually Sierra and I went into surgery. Next thing I knew, I woke up in a room on the ninth floor. The Kidney Floor.