Today, I am talking about insecurities. Everyone has insecurities in their life, big or small.
Last week, I had at least one melt down about my past, my present, and my future. It is easy to feel insecure when nothing seems to be going how you once planned. A friend of mine also had a bit of a meltdown over similar issues. This happens to everyone, literally everyone.
I believe my insecurities come from three main sources: lack of self confidence, rejection, and failure.
Self confidence. In my life, I have never been super self confident. I have always felt a little bit less than everyone else. I always compared myself to my older sister. This happened at school, because we had the same teachers. This also happened at home. I even compared my life to what my friends did or what they had. A few years ago, I started going to the gym. This helped my self confidence in more than one way. I started to look better and feel better. Right now, I am still going to gym almost every day but I am feeling less self confident due to other circumstances. For example, I do not currently have a job and I need a kidney. What man wants to date that?
Rejection. It is not a pleasant thing to have happen. I have now been rejected by two people that I loved with all of my heart. I thought they felt the same way. It hurts when someone you love rejects you, obviously. But rejection in the work place or with friends can hurt too. It is such a painful process that people will avoid dating or asking for promotion just to avoid that hurt feeling. Sometimes, you have to take risks and see what happens. If the consequences are painful, then deal with it them. I am still figuring out this recovery process.
Failure. The feeling of failure might be worse than rejection, depending on who you ask. I have felt like a failure more than once in life. I feel like rejection is worse because it is not up to you. It is another person turning you down or turning away from you. Maybe you did something horrible and maybe it just wasn't meant to be. For others, failure is definitely the worst feeling of all of the feelings. You can fail yourself or others. If you want to impress someone, like your parents, and you feel like you have failed it will eat you up. It is important that you know that you tried and somethings do not work out.
In all of these, it is important to remember that your true friends and your family will love you no matter what. It also helps to remember that a person can work past all of these. There are many ways to "fix" your life. Of course, some things are out of our control but you can handle a situation in your own way. Everything takes time and patience. For me, it helps to remember two things...
Just Keep Swimming & This Too Shall Pass
Monday, January 22, 2018
Saturday, January 20, 2018
Burning
By Sam Smith
I've been burning, yes, I've been burning
Such a burden, this flame on my chest
No insurance to pay for the damage
Yeah, I've been burning up since you left
Such a burden, this flame on my chest
No insurance to pay for the damage
Yeah, I've been burning up since you left
I've been smoking, oh
More than twenty a day
Blame it on rebellion
Don't blame it on me
Wish I was younger
Back to the nineteenth of May
I had an open mind
Swore to never change
More than twenty a day
Blame it on rebellion
Don't blame it on me
Wish I was younger
Back to the nineteenth of May
I had an open mind
Swore to never change
Funny how time goes by
Had respect for myself
That river ran dry
You reached the limit
I wasn't enough
It's like the fire replaced all the love
Had respect for myself
That river ran dry
You reached the limit
I wasn't enough
It's like the fire replaced all the love
I've been burning, yes, I've been burning
Such a burden, this flame on my chest
No insurance to pay for the damage
Yeah, I've been burning up since you left
Such a burden, this flame on my chest
No insurance to pay for the damage
Yeah, I've been burning up since you left
Oh, have you ever called
I will burst straight back
Give you my forgiveness
And the shirt off my back
No friends to turn to
Yeah, I messed up that
Wish we could smoke again
Just for a day, oh
I will burst straight back
Give you my forgiveness
And the shirt off my back
No friends to turn to
Yeah, I messed up that
Wish we could smoke again
Just for a day, oh
Wednesday, January 17, 2018
Uplift
Sometimes life throws you a lot of shit at once. Or you a just having a rough day and need a little pick me up. Here are my pointers for those days. Please note these are not medication or alcohol, even you wish they were.
1. Listen to something. There is nothing better than taking a drive somewhere new with music that you love to sing along with. This can be something that makes you feel good, something that gets your anger out, or classical music to calm the nerves. Movie soundtracks would have to be my favorite thing to pick me up or Kesha's Rainbows album.
2. Watch something. Movies are my go to for any situation. When I got home from surgery in July, all I wanted to do was curl up and watch Little Women (1994 version.) I did turn it on, but I immediately fell asleep. Unfortunately, I left my comforting movie in a PS3 in Arizona, it now resides somewhere in Florida. If that person is reading this, please mail it to me or buy me a new copy. Please.
3. Read something. I recently read Amy Purdy's autobiography "On My Own Two Feet." It was inspiring. I had found her fascinating and inspirational since I saw her on Dancing with the Stars. This was before I was told I needed a new kidney. In case you don't know, Amy Purdy is a Paralympic Athlete in snow boarding. When she was just 19, she contracted meningitis. She ended up needing both legs amputated below the knee and needing a kidney transplant a year later. Her father was her donor and she has not missed a beat in the years since.
4. Smell something. I love to burn candles, always have. I find them relaxing, romantic, and refreshing. Play on letters there, hehe. Recently, I received an essential oil diffuser for Christmas. I love it! It is from Eden's Garden. My favorite synergy blends, so far, are Good Morning and Good Night. They are having a 20% off sale on their website tomorrow, January 18th, if you are interested.
5. Do something. There are two things I love to do when I am feeling especially blue. Hit the gym and go to the movies. Going to the gym or just being active helps you mood. It also helps you self esteem, sleep, and your general health. The second one, going to the movies, is my favorite thing to do. What is your favorite thing to do?
1. Listen to something. There is nothing better than taking a drive somewhere new with music that you love to sing along with. This can be something that makes you feel good, something that gets your anger out, or classical music to calm the nerves. Movie soundtracks would have to be my favorite thing to pick me up or Kesha's Rainbows album.
2. Watch something. Movies are my go to for any situation. When I got home from surgery in July, all I wanted to do was curl up and watch Little Women (1994 version.) I did turn it on, but I immediately fell asleep. Unfortunately, I left my comforting movie in a PS3 in Arizona, it now resides somewhere in Florida. If that person is reading this, please mail it to me or buy me a new copy. Please.
3. Read something. I recently read Amy Purdy's autobiography "On My Own Two Feet." It was inspiring. I had found her fascinating and inspirational since I saw her on Dancing with the Stars. This was before I was told I needed a new kidney. In case you don't know, Amy Purdy is a Paralympic Athlete in snow boarding. When she was just 19, she contracted meningitis. She ended up needing both legs amputated below the knee and needing a kidney transplant a year later. Her father was her donor and she has not missed a beat in the years since.
4. Smell something. I love to burn candles, always have. I find them relaxing, romantic, and refreshing. Play on letters there, hehe. Recently, I received an essential oil diffuser for Christmas. I love it! It is from Eden's Garden. My favorite synergy blends, so far, are Good Morning and Good Night. They are having a 20% off sale on their website tomorrow, January 18th, if you are interested.
5. Do something. There are two things I love to do when I am feeling especially blue. Hit the gym and go to the movies. Going to the gym or just being active helps you mood. It also helps you self esteem, sleep, and your general health. The second one, going to the movies, is my favorite thing to do. What is your favorite thing to do?
Monday, January 15, 2018
Health Update
Last week was actually eventful in the health department. Little by little things are moving forward, just at a snail's pace.
Monday, I had my routine blood and urine testing at Fresno Nephrology Group. I was almost exciting when I saw someone younger than me in the office lobby, but she was waiting for her father. Then, I saw my nephrologist (kidney specialist) on Thursday. We had our normal chat and looked over my labs. My GFR, kidney function, had gone from 17% in early November to 22%. I believe my number was down in November due to stress and poor food choices in September and October. It is important to remember with a chronic illness that everything effects everything.
Dr. Atwal and I also discussed germs! We see people who cough and sneeze directly on their hands. DO NOT DO THIS....duh. Use your the crook of your elbow, your shirt, a tissue, almost anything but your hand. You will then touch lots of items that other people will touch. This is how germs are spread, haven't you seen Contagion?
In other news, my amazing friend (MHY) is still going through with testing to be a donor. Be her freakin' heart! She passed the first part of testing, which was blood and 24 hour urine collection. Thanks for doing that, by the way. Next we will go to UCSF for a full day of testing, woo hoo! Looking at early March. Fingers are crossed.
Monday, I had my routine blood and urine testing at Fresno Nephrology Group. I was almost exciting when I saw someone younger than me in the office lobby, but she was waiting for her father. Then, I saw my nephrologist (kidney specialist) on Thursday. We had our normal chat and looked over my labs. My GFR, kidney function, had gone from 17% in early November to 22%. I believe my number was down in November due to stress and poor food choices in September and October. It is important to remember with a chronic illness that everything effects everything.
Dr. Atwal and I also discussed germs! We see people who cough and sneeze directly on their hands. DO NOT DO THIS....duh. Use your the crook of your elbow, your shirt, a tissue, almost anything but your hand. You will then touch lots of items that other people will touch. This is how germs are spread, haven't you seen Contagion?
In other news, my amazing friend (MHY) is still going through with testing to be a donor. Be her freakin' heart! She passed the first part of testing, which was blood and 24 hour urine collection. Thanks for doing that, by the way. Next we will go to UCSF for a full day of testing, woo hoo! Looking at early March. Fingers are crossed.
Monday, January 8, 2018
Brave
I changed my wallpaper on my cell phone to a purple and pink painting graphic that says "Be Brave" in large letters in the middle. It is my daily reminder to do that, be brave, in small ways every day. It will be my word for 2018.
Last week, I decided to wear a sleeveless top to the gym without a sweatshirt. I had not work sleeveless shirts out in public often since my fistula surgery in July. I have three scars from my elbow to my arm pit. My vein is also visible running in the same area. It has healed nicely, but I am still self conscious about the look of it.
I felt brave and slightly uncomfortable at the gym without my arm covered. I also went out to 80's Rewind Night at a local bar on Saturday (no drinking, of course) and wore a muscle tank top. My arms were both out. I felt confident. This might have been because bars are dark, but I still felt good.
What should my next brave motion be?
Last week, I decided to wear a sleeveless top to the gym without a sweatshirt. I had not work sleeveless shirts out in public often since my fistula surgery in July. I have three scars from my elbow to my arm pit. My vein is also visible running in the same area. It has healed nicely, but I am still self conscious about the look of it.
I felt brave and slightly uncomfortable at the gym without my arm covered. I also went out to 80's Rewind Night at a local bar on Saturday (no drinking, of course) and wore a muscle tank top. My arms were both out. I felt confident. This might have been because bars are dark, but I still felt good.
What should my next brave motion be?
Sunday, January 7, 2018
Standing Still
Ever since September 23rd, when I was dumped by the man I thought I might spend the rest of my life with I felt like my life was put on pause. I had to figure out what to do next. I had moved my entire life to Arizona to follow love and adventure, but in a matter of moments all of that had shattered. It was not a choice of mine and it was a complete shock. While I am still getting over this and attempting to move on with my life. I have realized that he left to find himself, but at the same time he abandoned me as a friend and as a partner when I needed him most.
I moved back with my friends in Fresno. This was absolutely the best move I could have made. CB is one of my favorite people in the world. We are both struggling with some things right now, so why not help each other out. But moving back has shown me how bad the job market in the Central Valley really is. In Phoenix, I had four job interviews in one week in September. All of which were great options, but I could no longer stand to be there. So while I cannot find a job that doesn't sound like garbage, I am still wanting to get my old job back.
The other issue about job hunting is insurance and pay. I am in a weird limbo right now. I need a MAJOR surgery that will be incredibly expensive. Right now I have MediCal which should pay for it, so I either need to stay "low income" or find a full time job that offers great insurance. See the dilemma there?
One more paused issue is finding love. I thought I had found it. But is gone now. I feel like I should wait until after I have a transplant and can figure myself out after side affects from drugs to even go on a date. Is that silly? I don't want a new man to have to deal with surgery, sickness, hair loss, acne, weight gain, or any other delightful side affects. I have finally found some self confidence in my body and it might just go backwards. How frustrating...
All of these things make it difficult to look forward and be positive, but I am trying my best.
I moved back with my friends in Fresno. This was absolutely the best move I could have made. CB is one of my favorite people in the world. We are both struggling with some things right now, so why not help each other out. But moving back has shown me how bad the job market in the Central Valley really is. In Phoenix, I had four job interviews in one week in September. All of which were great options, but I could no longer stand to be there. So while I cannot find a job that doesn't sound like garbage, I am still wanting to get my old job back.
The other issue about job hunting is insurance and pay. I am in a weird limbo right now. I need a MAJOR surgery that will be incredibly expensive. Right now I have MediCal which should pay for it, so I either need to stay "low income" or find a full time job that offers great insurance. See the dilemma there?
One more paused issue is finding love. I thought I had found it. But is gone now. I feel like I should wait until after I have a transplant and can figure myself out after side affects from drugs to even go on a date. Is that silly? I don't want a new man to have to deal with surgery, sickness, hair loss, acne, weight gain, or any other delightful side affects. I have finally found some self confidence in my body and it might just go backwards. How frustrating...
All of these things make it difficult to look forward and be positive, but I am trying my best.
Tuesday, January 2, 2018
Looking Forward
I have a tattoo on my right index finger of an arrow. I did not get it just because I like the look of arrows. I read once, "An arrow can only be shot by pulling it backward. When life is dragging you back with difficulties, it means it's going to launch you into something great. So just focus and keep aiming." It is a reminder to myself to always look forward, not to dwell on the past.
It is a new year, thank goodness 2017 is over. It was a tough year for the world and for myself. People often make New Years Resolutions and they believe the new year is a chance to change everything. I do not have a resolution this year. Everything in my life seems up in the air right now.
The last six months have been the hardest in my life. I do not see the near future being much easier, but my New Year's Eve was so much fun. It was a reminder that life is still a great adventure even if it is difficult.
I previously posted a bucket list for 2018 on my blog, which I will still strive for throughout this year.
It is a new year, thank goodness 2017 is over. It was a tough year for the world and for myself. People often make New Years Resolutions and they believe the new year is a chance to change everything. I do not have a resolution this year. Everything in my life seems up in the air right now.
The last six months have been the hardest in my life. I do not see the near future being much easier, but my New Year's Eve was so much fun. It was a reminder that life is still a great adventure even if it is difficult.
I previously posted a bucket list for 2018 on my blog, which I will still strive for throughout this year.
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