Nice Things I did

 Nice Things I did

- Made different cakes/cupcakes for his birthdays

- Planned an overnight to Santa Cruz for his birthday one year

- Always did the research and booked the Disneyland hotels

- Cleaned the apartment

- Did his laundry

- Bought him food at the grocery store

- Always asked what he wanted from the grocery store or target

- I was always available for rides to Subaru or picking him/his friends up from the bars

- Asked about his day, always

- Said cute goodbyes in the morning when he left for work

- Sent Toki pictures midday with a nice message while he was at work

- Reminded him to drink water and use SPF

- Let him have the assigned/covered parking space

- Took care of both cats

- Let him pick movies & restaurants because he was pickier than me

- Showed genuine interest in things that he liked...wrestling, always sunny, Disney, his toys

- Paid extra on the rent for more than a year when we moved to the more expensive apartment

Message to KA

Hi Kyle. It has been a long time now. I have wanted to message you so many times, but always stopped myself because I wasn't sure what to say or if you wanted to hear from me. 

I am reflecting and trying to grow in my life right now. I loved you with my entire heart and still hold a space for our times together as friends or as a couple, but I understand now that love is not always enough to be happy in life. 

Although, I was completely blown away by your decision to end things and move across the country become a pilot, I know you had to do what you needed to do to live your best life. I always wanted to know why you didn't tell me sooner or let me know what you were thinking or if I could have done anything differently.

Hopefully this isn't too cheesy... I am really proud of you for following your heart and ambition in becoming a pilot. It's amazing. My heart went out to you and your whole family when I heard about Jeff. I hope you are doing well with your life. You look very happy from your Facebook and I wish you all the best. 

Share in Therapy

Erik : 10 months

Good

- First love

- Go with the flow

- Very Intimate

- Fun, went out a lot

- Expressed desire and pride for me

Bad

- Judgmental at times of food or body, but not mean

- Liked drinking a little too much

- Left me the minute something was difficult

- Did not discuss future

- Only met family twice

Kyle : 1 year and a few weeks

Good

- Friends to Relationship

- We talked about the future at some point

- Best sex

- Held my hand

- Gave compliments

- Asked about me and my interests

- Enjoyed his family

- Adventures outside

Bad 

- Didn't know how to communicate with me

- Did not discuss future enough

Matt : 5 plus years

Good 

- Lots of fun together 

- Disneyland memories and trips 

- Movies, we both loved all sorts 

- Love started very started very early 

- Company during hard times for both of us 

- Great cat dad  to Toki & Piper 

- His family welcomed me with open arms 

- Traditions at Disneyland, Chicken Shack

- always had a feeling of comfort from/with him

- Felt like home

- Collecting pops was always a fun little adventure

- Always excited to see him

- Silliness together 

- Always made me smile or laugh

- That goofy little wave he did 

- Combing my fingers through his hair

- Santa Cruz & Tiki mugs 

- Great gift giver 

- Good roommates 

- Always surprising me with little trinkets 

- Cared about me and my health 

- I loved his excitement about things and how excited he got telling or showing me things, like Disneyland 

Bad

- No compliments

- Didn't show interest in my day or my hobbies

- No communication about his feelings

- Lacked empathy and concern about medical things

- No work/life balance

- Ended things without trying to improve or change anything

- I had to bring up what was wrong and practically breakup with myself 

- Not willing to try new foods or eat what I wanted

- Didn’t really want to travel 

- Not romantic

- Never bought me flowers

- Sex got a little “stale” but I think this was me mostly 

- Slob 

Therapy Thoughts

6/19/2024

Today in therapy we talked about KA a lot in therapy today. We went into the history of us going back to high school and being friends with Little B. We also talked about messaging Kyle at some point to just reflect on us, let him know that I am proud of him, how sorry I am about J, and wish him all goods things in life. It was a big blow to see that he is now engaged, especially to a woman with kids.

We also talked about MC & KA both being afraid or unable to communicate what was going on in their own heads. They were both unhappy, maybe depressed, with their current places in life. They both made plans to end things with me but did not speak to me about fixing issues or letting me know that they were unhappy. Maybe me being sensitive makes them not want to speak up. "Feeling they might crush me" by talking about things, it could be easier to breakup and move along.

Communication from both parties in the relationship are important. It is important that I need to speak up in the beginning of the next relationship that I am sensitive and might get hurt feelings sometimes, but i do want to have difficult conversations about things and the relationship to be able to work through things together. I want to work on my communication skills, good and bad, in therapy. I feel like I am lovable but I do get sensitive and maybe fragile. 

I want to be open and honest with a partner about all things, even through difficult issues.

Things I want to work on in therapy:

- Self Esteem

- Confidence

- Positivity

- Illness

- Parents Deaths

- Communication Skills

- How to show appreciation

- How to be completely open and honest about difficult topics

Homework: Okay…page 32 of the book. Make a power playlist. I want you to create one and then when we meet I want to hear all about out why those songs. Goal is for these songs to inspire you to be the best version of you or remind you of your qualities or get you pumped up, and/or increase your assertiveness! Can’t wait to know what you pick! 💕 🎶 💕

5/20/2024

Today I had my first therapy appointment. We talked about the breakup, my family, and my parents.

Breakup: She asked about how we started dating, moving in together, and how quickly we both said love. We talked about a lot of things. Everything is already a blur. That hour goes by really quick. She made me feel better about questioning every little thing because that's just how people are. We talked about the reasons he said for ending the relationship and not telling me how he was feeling all of that time. But there are no real answers, just speculation from both of us. He did seem to "stockpile" (her word) little things that were bothering him about me or things that i had done. Why not speak up? Like fuck. Maybe he didn't want to hurt me, maybe he didn't want to feel like a failure, maybe he just changed what he wanted in a partner, maybe he didn't want a partner. It is so difficult to just have something so substantial end without knowing why and the other person not even giving me a chance. I still sometimes I hope he will change his mind, but I doubt that will happen and maybe we aren't as good as a fit as I thought. I don't know if I will ever stop questioning him or why he didn't want to improve our relationship. It was such a substantial amount of time together. Why?

She pointed out that it is good that I can look back to reflect on things in our relationship. I didn't like some things and obviously, M didn't like some things. I can try harder to be open with my communication, asking more in-depth questions, asking about their love language & their preferences with things, and compromising on things. I feel like I was too passive and maybe too "go with the flow" with things. I did what M wanted and let it go when he didn't want to do things I wanted. Speak up when I don't like things or I need more from the other person. Healthy reflection to improve things in the future.

Family: We discussed who my family is. Large or small? Small: immediate, and extended. Only a little discussion here right now.

Parents: I told her about each of my parents' personalities and my relationship with each of them. A bit about what I thought about their relationship. I also talked about each of their passing. I cried a lot when I talk about my dad. She related my dad's sudden death to M's sudden ending of the relationship. Interesting connection with the timing of things. I agree with her that I am feeling something similar with the suddenness of those two things.

Right now, I am not sure what I expect to get from therapy. I enjoyed talking to her last week in the consult and today. She is pleasant and understanding. I look forward to more sessions and seeing what comes out of it for me. While I am feeling sad and broken, I do think I could live a happier life. 

Thursday Evening Thoughts

It is so bizarre to spend all of your time with someone for the last five plus years and have it suddenly end. I have struggled the last three months with feelings of sadness, loss, blame, worthlessness, and much more. I thought we had something special and would be together much longer, but I practically broke up with myself that nice. I will never understand him or what went through his head because he never spoke up. I had to ask him what was going on with him. I had to push him.

It has hard dealing with rejection. But while looking back there were things I wanted from him that I did not get. I wish we could have worked together to strengthen our relationship, but it wasn't up to me. Maybe my friends and new therapist are right that was/is depressed. If he had given up on himself, then there wasn't really a giving up on us. It is still difficult to understand.

I am trying to hold space in my heart and mind for the relationship we had together. We had fun and we cared about each other. I know that is true, even if my anxiety says it isn't sometimes. It ended very badly and that is his fault. He should have done a lot of things, but maybe he just didn't know how.

Time and conversations with other people are helping. I really like therapy so far. It will be a long process to heal from the break, all of the breakups, and my traumatic past few years. 

After watching my sister and my friend with their spouses, it makes me realize there were things missing that I would like in a relationship. 

- Effort

- Communication

- Honesty

- Romance

- Consideration

- Gratitude

- Appreciation

- Animal Lover

- Understanding

- Empathetic

- Caring

- Funny

- Travel

- Open

Friday Feels

 I am sitting on my couch reading a book with beautiful weather outside my patio. What else could you ask for? Company, someone that loves you by your side. Some that says "I love you" and means it. They aren't pretending or hiding anything. Just pure love from someone willing to put in effort and to grow together. Where the fuck is that?

Things I Am Struggling With

 1. Breakup

2. Death of Parents

3. Diabetes

4. Hearing Loss

5. Loneliness

6. Depression

7. Self Esteem/Body Image

9. Did I do something to deserve such a difficult time?

10. Will someone ever love me enough to stay and work through things?

Stockpiled

 Stockpiled 

I loved you and I needed you. 

I overlooked the things that bothered me in our relationship. 

But at least I tried and asked questions. 

You remained silent. 

You made a list of things I did that bothered you. 

Instead of talking about them, you stockpiled a list in your head to use against me. 

And you sat with this list and became distant, possibly resentful. 

You even got mean, like I had done something hurtful to you. 

This was never the case. 

I was there for you, you just didn’t realize how much I loved you and I how much I would have done for you. 

We could have become stronger together. 

Why did you continue the relationship for such a long time if you had mixed feelings about me?

Were you even sure about it when it happened?

How could you do this after such a long time together?

Why weren’t you willing to talk about things?

Did I not mean enough to you?