I haven't blogged recently, mostly because nothing has changed. My life is just as messed up and confusing as the Trump Administration, except I can't quit or get fired.
1. Kidney & Transplant - So, I completed all of my testing for the transplant. Then, MHY completed all of her testing on March 2nd. It then became a waiting game to see if she is my match. Everything took a GIANT fucking pause on Wednesday the 14th. UCSF called me in the morning to let me know that my numbers looked "too good" so they were putting me on hold until my nephrologist told them to move forward. Okay, way to throw me off guard. So, I called my nephrologist's office to move my blood and office visits up to double check my current numbers. I saw Dr. Atwal yesterday and had blood drawn. Now...we wait. My favorite thing to do.
This was such a mixed bag of information. I spent Wednesday on the verge of tears because my life has been on hold since I moved back to California. I was waiting for surgery, waiting for tests, waiting for everything...now, it might not happen. I feel like I completely wasted my time because I was not putting effort into my job search and I just sat on my ass waiting for the world to move forward for me. What a fucking idiot. Why do I make such stupid decisions?
2. Love Life - It is still nonexistent. I am feeling better about my most recent breakup, but things still remind me of him through out the day. My dreams at night are often about him. He either breaks up with me in different ways or comes to me in California with a huge romantic gesture. Either way, I still wake up alone in my bed without the comfort of him next to me. This is not a movie. He won't come back in some romantic way. He left and it is over. If it wasn't, he would have called me or text me by now instead of silence for the last five months. Time to move on, but how do you move on when everything else in your life is in shambles. Who really wants to date a girl without a job and will need a new organ in the near future?
3. Experience - I am currently volunteering two days a week at the Fresno Water Tower. It is kind of fun. I thought it might lead to new friends and a possible job. My old position with J did not workout since I am not bilingual...how nice that I am no longer qualified for a job I did for a year and a half. That is fantastic. (sarcasm) Now that I might not need a kidney immediately, I would like to find a job. Not just any job, I am qualified and have lots of experience thanks to AmeriCorps...where are all the good jobs in the Fresno that don't require Spanish???
No, this was not an upbeat blog. I apologize, but sometimes life just feels like shit and you cry yourself to sleep at night, alone. Tell yourself that things will get better...but when is that?
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