Lemons

When life gives you lemon after lemon, it is hard to picture lemonade.

The last seven months of my life have not been easy. First, dealing with a breakup that was shocking and brutal. Second, dealing with the never ending kidney disease. Third, dealing with depression and other feelings.

I have spoken about my breakup before. I am finally feeling better about it. There is no way to change what happened and, obviously, that person does not want me anymore. This is painful and you must grieve the life you shared. You must also grieve the life that you pictured with that person. Things will arise, like they have in May, to remind you of memories with that person or the life you shared. Feel it and move on.

My health is "better" than it was in Arizona or even in February. I have been dealing with the UCSF transplant team to move forward with surgery. I have a matching donor and we both completed every test that they requested. But numbers have move up and down, the latest number being 23 which is 3 points too high for surgery. Cool. I will just sit and wait to get worse.

Depression. It is a big word and an even heavier feeling. I have always struggled to see things as a positive. When your life (that you finally thought was working out) crumbles into almost nothing, it is hard to see the positive. I had been dumped by the person I loved, no longer had a job, needed a kidney, and was dealing with the pain of a family member's health on top of mine. Life could obviously be worse, but that is still a lot to deal with.

I have attempted to pick myself up from all of this and I am still struggling around the edges. It takes time and effort to make your life feel good again. There aren't any fair godmothers or magic spells.